Can I Sue the “Other Woman” or “Other Man”?
CNN published its contribution last month to the continuing mythology surrounding the tort called “alienation of affection,” filing a lawsuit against that interloper who seduced your spouse and ruined your marriage.
Coverage like this is typical of journalism in America today, full as it is of breathless and sensational warnings of events that are extremely unlikely to occur. As a divorce lawyer, I hear more than my share of plaintive requests from wronged spouses who want me to tell them that yes, they can sue that vixen who seduced their poor husband, or yes, they can sue that villainous co-worker who led their wife astray.
The CNN story itself points out that the tort is recognized in only six states, Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. When I look up the population of those six states in the Census Bureau 2010 Data Book, I see we’re talking about a whooping 10.5% of the US population. Whoop-de-doo.
In Alabama and 43 other states plus the District of Columbia, you can’t do it. You have no right of action against the person who seduced your spouse. You can spend your money on lawyers and write threatening letters and post ads on billboards, but it won’t make a bit of difference other than to use up the money you need for other things and leave a trail of bitter words that may haunt you later.
For those who need legal authority, take a look at Ala. Code § 6-5-331, stating that “there shall be no civil claims for alienation of affections, criminal conversation, or seduction of any female person of the age of 19 years or over.” If you’re wondering whether the statute leaves open the possibility of a claim against a woman who seduced a man, the Alabama Supreme Court looked at this issue in Young v. Young, 184 So. 187 (Ala. 1938) and said no, the statute abolishes all civil claims for alienation of affections of husband or wife.
The Alabama courts have also read the statute expansively. In Bailey v. Faulkner, 940 So. 2d 247 (Ala. 2006) rehearing denied, Case No. 1040880 (April 21, 2006), the Alabama Supreme Court reversed a judgment entered on a jury verdict against a pastor who had begun a sexual relationship with a parishioner and employee of the church.
The facts were particularly outrageous. The pastor had persuaded the woman and her husband to stop seeing an independent marriage counselor and to use the pastor instead, and then the pastor began having sex with the wife less than a month later. Then when the husband had the chance to get a big raise by taking a job in another county, the pastor persuaded him to stay put, allegedly so he could continue having sex with the poor cuckold’s wife. Nevertheless, the Alabama Supreme Court stepped in to protect the pastor, saying that the language in the husband’s complaint alleging breach of contract and negligence were a meaningless sham and ineffective at hiding the true nature of the complaint, that of alienation of affections.
In short, this case is not about negligence or wantonness — it is about intentional conduct. The only claims stated by the allegations in this case assert the amatory torts abolished by § 6-5-331. Damages sought here are the species of damages recoverable for those torts. . . . One cannot sue to recover for injuries arising … from an interference with the marriage by simply casting the defendant’s conduct as a breach of contract, or negligence, or some other intentional tort. It is that kind of sham that the case law prevents (citations omitted). Bailey at 253.
If your spouse has been unfaithful to you, you have every right to feel outraged, betrayed, and rejected. You should be angry, and you should go slightly insane. That’s sort of your job. Your anger, however, should be directed at the person who swore to be faithful to you, not the one with whom they dallied.
Although I agree that the blame and anger should be directed at the offending spouse, I can see how the other person can elicit extreme emotions in the innocent spouse. In my situation, the other person is aware and has been the entire length of the affair, that we were married. My husband for some reason thought he should share every intimate detail of our life, as well as personal details about me, to this woman. She took that information and used it to steal my identity and created a financial chaos that I am still cleaning up to this day. If that wasn’t enough, she called my place of employment so often and caused such turmoil that they decided to let me go rather than deal with the constant problems and stress she was causing the company. My husband was not enough for this woman. She openly admits hatred towards me and has stated that she will not be happy until she has completely destroyed my life, which somehow, she has actually accomplished. I lost my marriage, my job, my home, my dignity, peace of mind, self-respect and at times, my sanity. My only offense? I am married to the man that she wants to be with. The legal system has not taken me seriously and has cast me off as some deranged woman who is only seeking revenge because her husband is having an affair. I have had a very difficult time finding any help in regards to prosecuting this woman for the very real crimes she has committed against me and after fighting for almost three years, I have just given up. I have nothing left to lose, so I filed for divorce and moved out of the area and am trying to start over again. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing turmoil and pain in their life caused by an affair, especially those who have become a target of abuse by the other person.
I practice law in Northern Virginia. Several years ago I had a case with facts almost identical to the Alabama pastor case, except it may have been more interesting. The wife was a professional clown. Not a joke. Of course, the pastor wasn’t sued, but he did lose his job and his own wife.
I frankly fail to understand the logic of not being angry at the other person.It makes little sense and is not true to reality for me at all.Yes of course one has been betrayed by ones partner but how does this absolve the other person?This has not been established on any obvious grounds of logic and as such I find more than slightly annoying as advice.I think many people reading the above statement might pause at that as well.As a proposition it needs to be bolstered by some sort of argument surely and not just solely on your say so.
In other words today’s lawmakers are buying themselves and all potential people who chose to interject themselves into any marriage immunity from any consequence of action. A marriage is still a legal contract between two parties and should be honored as such. When there is a breach of contract some type of punitive measure only seems appropriate…such as in any business situation for that matter. By deliberately interfering with such a contract the threat of a potential tort claim would act as a deterrent. In our great litigation society, where one can make all sorts of lavish civil claims against another party and be highly successful in front of a jury of one’s peers, it seems odd that this type of behavior is totally dismissed. Laws to that affect would greatly stabilize the instituion of marriage and provide a deterrent for the rampant break-up of the family unit as we see it.
I agree with Ed that it is poor advice to tell someone whose spouse has cheated that it doesn’t make sense to be angry with the person that they cheated with. Yes I am angry with my spouse for having affairs but I find the whole thing made more difficult by the fact that he has had affairs with two women who both knew he was married with small children and both of whom have had affairs with other married men. He wasn’t the first married man to have an affair with them and he won’t be the last. I can divorce my husband but apparently I can’t have do anything to the women who knew he was married and yes they had no relationship with me in the same way that my husband did but I am still angry at them for having affairs with multiple married men, one of whom just happens to have been married to me. I believe that I have the right to be angry with these women as well as my husband.
While I agree with your comments I do believe there should be some recourse for the married predators that go out of their way to destroy marriages. These men look for married women who have an emotional need and work on this until they turn them against their husbands and thereby create an emotional and then physical affair with the woman. Once the marriage fails they leave the woman and move on to the next one.
Until there is some recourse these men will continue to destroy marriages
in China, it is a crime to commit adultry. The spouse and the OT will be prosecuted. It makes OT thinks twice if she/he wants to have an affair with a married man/woman. It also makes the unfaithful spouse thinks twice.
I, too, am tired of the advice about not being angry with the other person. When another person intentionally pursues your husband knowing full well that he is a married man, that person has committed a grevious wrong. I also tired of hearing that I won’t be truly healed until I let my anger at that person go. I will always harbor ill feelings for that woman. Will it interfer with my proceedign with my life? No. But I don’t plan to let her off the hook by forgiving her. She is not a person who deserves my forgiveness. She is an adulterer.
The OP in my case admittedly persued my husband for the fun of it and to see if she would get more advantages at work (she was the new line cook), he was the Executive Chef. She admitted to me that the thought of having actual sex with my husband “grossed her out”, but it was fun, like a game. She had a new IPOD and barraged my husband with “sextexts”. She was considerably younger and used her texting skills to seduce him into an obsessive text affair. Then she invited him over for more. She started off slow, worked her way up; by month 3, there were 1400 txt messages exchanged. She also relentlessly persued another manager and sextexted pretty much all the young servers and anyone else who worked there who would respond. The young guys were not impressed, but the married older managers were completely thrown off guard and got caught up in her web. The majority of the txts were very sexual and there was clear intention to get these men to adore her. My husband lost his job eventually and of course I accidentally found out after they’d been carrying on for over 1 year. I was extremely angry with her because she admitted she makes it a game to go after married men. I gave her some grief and also told her parents (they are very devout religious folks, and she is obviously rebelling against their rules); of her extremely bad behavior to get enjoyment out of ruining marriages if she can, not to mention her improper work ethic, (of which my husband is guilty as well). And, in the end, my husband is the one I have the trust issue with; who doesn’t want to say no. I also know if we had been in a more aware and communicative relationship, it may not have evolved the way it did. I talked with lawyer’s about a sexual harassment case, but noone seemed too inteested. Though I have read there might possibly be a suit against the company my husband worked for, because they do not provide any type of sexual harrassment training; even to their managers or ever discuss it at meetings. And, it is a fairly large size corporation.
Every little bit helps! I appreciate these comments. I too am tried of others telling me I should forgive, blah blah blah. Why should these degenerates be allowed to cause chaos because they seek fun , sport or are just sickos who delight in breaking up marriages. I thought I was at fault for being angry towards the woman who moved into to the same building to break my marriage. She works on my husbands job. These are predators who are selfish and too lazy or dumb to seek relationships of their own. This person has caused maximum grief for my family. It is a very painful time. She has also attacked me! The horrible incident was caught on camera and there were 2 witnesses. Even so it is being dragged out in court. The law here does not take infidelity seriously. If a president can be forgiven for despicable acts in the White House and forthright lies to the public, then what does that say for marriage today? I say to all who have been disgraced, manipulated and abused by other selfish, ignorant and abusive people to continue to live your best, no matter how sad or the hardships you endure. We are the ones with common sense not to deliberately cause hurt, shame..etc. especially to our children who deserve stability in this world. Adulterers think only of themselves and lack self control. It has nothing to do with age, gender, or environment. Adultery is not just weak moments. It is a deliberate, calculating, selfish disgusting choice. If people need to cater to their animal instincts then don’t get married or at least let the offended partner know you want out. If you can’t go the distance of marriage and the communicative work that is need if you care about your partner and children , then go your way and take your tail with you.
Good response, so hard for me to figure why it would be sport for a young girl to go after married men. It’s obviously a control issue and I would not doubt that she has been abused in her life, so she is passing it on. The girl who went after my husband was 24 and has a 2 year old baby she does not have a clue who the dad is. My husband’s only defense in the beginning was, “it was too enticing to turn down a 24 yr old”. It kinda made me sick, we have nieces and nephews her age and he was texting her when we were out of State @ a family wedding of one of my nieces. And, to add to my shattered self-esteem and trust I knew I would never be 24 again and felt I could not compete. I was devastated. Though I am only in my early 50s I do not feel old and am considered attractive. My husband really tried to take that confidence away just to be mean while on teh defense. Now it’s all said and done, she has posted a pic of herself on MySpace. It’s funny because I saw her in person a few times and she seemed average looking. Oh my gosh, the ugliness of her soul must be coming out or I did not see her very well before. The pic she has posted on MySpace makes her look so homely and pathetic. I realized my husband had the problems, (he also told me that 25 years of me nagging and bossing him around is what drove her into the other woman’s arms”, but, they were only friends, okay; big liar. Anyway, she is just plain ugly; really bad. I showed my husband the pic and apologized to him. I said if that is what he chose to risk throwing his job, marriage, family and home away for than I must have just been awful. He was embarrassed and admitted she looked terrible. He admitted he was caught up in the fantasy of it all. I believe it. I saw some of the text messages and this girl is a master at nasty talk. She obviously has no self-esteem or she would not have behaved like a porn chat queen. I felt better to see her on one hand, but then felt sorry for her a little as well, and felt the creep factor move in when I looked at my husband again. My husband is the one with the issues and it most definitely was not my “fault” the OP drove him nuts with her constant texting and calling. All he had to do was say “No”. He thought he was so smart and would never get caught, and it’s been one lie after another ever since. This girl made a fool of him and he’ll never live it down. I told him he should go to her; they deserve each other. He wants nothing to do with her and is quite ashamed. Secret alcohol drinking played a big part in this thing too; they were drinking buddies after work on my school nights. Secrets and lies…. Pretty exciting stuff.
My wife started going through her mid-life crisis about 9 years ago. She had an affair with my cousin in january 2005, i dont know if it was a once only or not. In August 2007 she left our home, in August 2009 she moved in with a man and i dont know how long she knew him . There is no future with him as he has cancer. Even so , he had no right to make advances on her especially as she was very vulnerable as she went through so much stress in the 8 months before she left , none of which was caused by me. I know she doesn`t know half of what she has done but that doesn`t give him the right to move in on her. Some are saying it is more like a friendship than a romance with him.. All men and women should respect a marriage ……
She cut me off and wont see or talk to me. She has done an untold amount of damage to our family and to herself. How someone can change so much is hard to believe …
We have to stop treating these usurpers and their actions just like a misdemeanor, as a little slip. It just happens too frequently now and it happens in all tiers of society. Not only does it leave devastation all the way it leaves our children with behavior patterns set by us.
We have to treat these cases as a breach of contract which can only be remedied by paying damages.
Unfortunately human behavior and the controlling of it require a structure. Because of our unbelievable affluent society people enjoy too much of games and thrill.
There is really no excuse for cheating. We are adults and nobody was forced to marry our partners. We made these commitments out of our own choice and wish, now if they decide to break the contract by cheating then they should have the guts to pay and leave and not come back. I really think, if we could sue both the spouse for breach of contract and the third person would have to remedy us under a victim’s compensation scheme it would make people think.
I also have to add that I think in most of the cases the marriages are not bad but the partners are just not committed enough to put more effort in the emotional part of the relationship so they deprive not only their spouse but also themselves of a really good friendship which would be always the underlying driving force of a good marriage.
Most of the time people do the cheating out of boredom and opportunity and far too many people in the prime of their lives are alone. So they hit on our husbands who are only too willing to play a little game which ends in absolute chaos.
What about the time that a child is born from an affair. The cheating wife conceals from the husband that the child is not his. Later when this comes to light and they separate, the husband is still on the hook for child support payments. The OP was clearly one of the responsible parties in the breach of marriage contract. Can the OP be sued for the costs of rearing a child which the husband never planned or intended to have. Can the OP be sued for damages for interfering in a contract between the husband and wife?
Note we are not talking about the husband not paying the child support payments. Just that this burden has come on him because of OP’s actions and by OP’s interference in his marriage contract with his wife?
I am single but I find it very discouraging all the infidelity these days. As a single person I always do my best to respect others that are married or even dating or even just with another man. I always assume they are together first. I am so sick of these people whom have no respect for other relationships. Men and Women both. I hate the attitude I have heard from some women these days, “Oh men have been doing this forever its our turn” Talk about punishing the innocent. I would love to see some new laws around this stuff where the op can get sued. It is way out of hand. People get really hurt from this stuff. Then nobody wants to tell on anyone because of fear that someone might get hurt. That sucks too. If people were exposed more that would be a deterent. I know someone, a women whom is having an affair with a married man and could care less about the wife. Its terrible. What if she finds out and hurts herself. Is it worth it? I think it gratifies her ego or creates excitement for her. We have become way to tolerant about a lot of really bad behaviour.
Also you have these players out their both men and women who are reading books and going to actual trainings on how to pick up people. They are predatory and manipulative. The sad part is that it works as I had one of these guys confide in me. He is mr. smooth and knows just how to do. They even have training for how to go after people whom are with someone else. Its sick stuff.
Why on earth would I forgive the OW - She is the worst kind - she knew he was married, and had children. She cheated on her h - and after they were divorced, she continued to sleep with her exH even when he was remarried, for money and favors, she even slept w/ her ex after she was sleeping with my FWH - to get money to buy HIM things and pay for the hotel rooms when she got sick of driving to his filthy shop and having sex in cars, vans, parking lots, and the dirty work table. She drove over an hour to take her clothes off or give him oral sex - she chased him - and while he NEVER should have said ok to any of it, she not only made it easy, but she downright chased him down and gave up her kids, pets, home etc to take it all off for him where ever and when ever…. what he didn’t know at the time, was that she was like that with all the guys she trolled the internet for. Ugh - now I’m left w/ STDs wish it were illegal - I’d sue for sure!
What about THIS case scenerio:
A husband and wife are both STD free for 12 years. Then the husband cheats, the wife finds out, goes to the ob/gyn to get checked, finds out she has gotten an STD from her husband and this affair. There is extensive evidence of the affair, with the specific woman and definite length of time involved.
Can the wife then subpena(sp?)the woman he cheated with for an STD test, then sue her for some sort of negligence, etc? I would think there is some sort of case to be made there, since I recall people taking some guy to court that went around spreading AIDS a while back. Thoughts?
I completely 100% totally agree with Birgit(3/09,7:32am) and Ed, and wish there were laws like those KMC says China has regarding adultery. I am in the process of filing a lawsuit against the ow and believe i have an excellent case against her…it has nothing to do with alienation of affection, which all but 6 states did away with, my state being one of them, but rather my case has to do with her intentional infliction of emotional harrassment, along with a few other charges. She is determined to have my husband as her own, and will stop at nothing it seems. She stated once that she’d been kicked to the curb before and wasn’t going to let it happen to her ever again. She has sent me text messages over the past several years which are sexually explicit, telling me what she does to my husband, what he loves, and what i should do to him … When we would be attempting to reconcile our marriage, she would send texts to me of this nature…there were a couple of especially critically sensitive times - once when we were going on a trip to “celebrate” our 33rd wedding anniversary, and another time when we had gone to a weekend marriage conference …She’s a very vengeful, hateful, malicious, worthless, gold-digging, adulterous whore, and i’ve had enough of her.(That’s as kind as i can be)…I don’t respond to her, and have told my husband to tell his whore to stop texting me or i was going to sue her. Either he didn’t tell her, or she didn’t take me seriously, and now my attorney is preparing to have her served soon.
Good for you Brenda! I believe that there should be some comeback in the courts for the type of emotional distress that is caused by women (and men) activley pursuing affairs with married men. I have a very strong desire to name and shame the OP in my case as her image is everything to her and she has stalked me, my husband and my children, tried to befriend my friend and neighbour and even wangled her way into her house. The only thing standing in the way if her perfect life with my husband, my children and my house is me!. My husband I can deal with, I’ve thrown him out but yet everyone advise me to stay away from her!
What can I do to a Church/School who didn’t fire an employee who had been seducing my Husband. My kids spent almost 3 yrs in this private school. My husband did sub-contract work for them. This is a woman I knew and was friends with her and the family. She kept my husband busy with work in hopes to spend more time with him, well it worked and they had an affair which lasted for 4 months. The affair occured in the schools nursery, thats were they had sex. I found out told her husband and the pastor. As it turned out she didn’t want to see him (Husband)working there any longer so the pastor let him go, and she went on to be Director of Daycare. I couldn’t take seeing her everyday so I left the church and the school my kids loved And moved out of the area. I feel like I’ve been screwed not just by my husband and his whore, but by the pastor and the school administration. Do I have any recourse??
I think there’s something to be said for blaming the other person.
In my wife’s case, she has enough psychological issues from her upbringing that while I’m furious at her infidelity, I understand it, and forgive her for it.
But the guy? Nope. He knows she’s married, he’s met me, and he chased after her anyway.
If the notion of “society” is to have meaning, then the reality is that you can’t have single people out there poaching married ones. They need to restrain themselves and have respect for everyone in a marriage, AND for the very notion of marriage in the first place.
So yeah, I blame him. He knew what he was doing (his own marriage ended a year or two ago) and the pain that he was getting involved in causing.