Welcome, slugbait

[m_t]

Hello, This is my first attempt at blogging (is this called blogging ?), anyway, my wife of 14 years has just filed for divorce.  We have 2 young boys and are building a house together (supposed to be our "Dream" house). Neither of us can afford to move out and still pay the interest on the construction loan, so we may be stuck with each other until the house is sellable and the market climbs out of the toilet.  Living together is very difficult as I still love my wife and she does not.  We are mostly cordial but there is no emotional connection and is very painful for me (and will be for the kids once we tell them).  How do we survive this long enough to get the house sold and move on to new lives.  I would prefer to remain friends with my wife but I don't know how much of that comes from my emotional connection to her or just from practicallity.  Either way, I think our kids need to see us united by some kind of relationship.  Any advice?

[Ann Marie]

Welcome to HEO

So sorry to hear you're getting divorced.

Is ther anyway she would concider a retreat program or counselling?

If not, you've found a great place to come and get support, vent or just read.

Please feel free to join in any thread or add a song to our list that helps you express what you're feeling.

There are great people here all hours of the day, so pop in anytime or grab some coffee and just hang out

[Wolfy]

Hi Slugbait

I really don't like your name because I am sure you aren't a slugbait, but that's for you to decide. Over the years we have had couples live together for financial reasons after the love was gone. They have said it is pure hell. I would try to figure out a way of one of you moving out. You just can't heal and get your mind right when you see her everyday. Welcome to our family.

[InDenial]

They had a story on this very topic on Good Morning America.  The couple featured had actually divorced and yet were still living together in the house, along with their kids.

FWIW, GMA interviewed a counsellor about this topic, and he recommended moving heaven and earth to find a way to live apart.  He also said that continuing to live together gives the kids false hope that their parents may reconcile.

Slugbait, so sorry you have a reason to look for us, but glad you found us.  Welcome.

[Coordman's Clever New Screen Name]

Hi SB.  Sorry you needed to find us. 

I clearly understand what it's like contemplating that move.  It's like walking into the dark.  But it's something you should do.

...continuing to live together gives the kids false hope that their parents may reconcile.

This is certainly true, but you may also be giving into false hope of your own.  I know how being there and living together may give you the feeling of still having your foot in the door, but if she is as far gone as you suggest, you're only going to cause youself more pain in the longrun.  Believe me.  Pull your foot out, let her go.

This is also a time when you need to begin to start thinking of yourself as a self-sufficient person.  This can be VERY difficult.  I know it was (and still is to a point) for me.  You need to protect yourself financially and emotionally.  We ALL have would-have-could-have stories.  Stay vigilant and realize that, no matter how much you want to stay friends with her, that's not your choice to make.  We all know how quickly a STBX (soon to be ex) can unexpectedly turn on you and use your trust to their own advantage.

Stay strong.  If you need to talk, there is almost always someone here to listen.  Welcome.

Shane

[slugbait]

Wow, what an amazing community you've all fasioned here !  Thank you all for your insight and encouragement.  I agree that separation needs to happen sooner rather than later for us to survive this and have a chance to move on, obviously the financial things make this more complicated, but I think the hardest thing for me to think about is what my kids will feel and do (and me too) the day she walks out the door for the last time.  As hard as we are trying to keep things civil, even friendly, the emotions of that day will be enormous.  She is currently meeting with a counselor (Marriage/Family) but seems to twist what she hears to coincide with what she has decided to do.  I know that her therapist has to think first what's right for my wife, but I can't see any licensed care-giver saying some of the things that my wife has atrributed to her.  I think she is desparate for someone to see things from her perspective and to agree with her decision to leave, so far, that has not happened (that I'm aware of). 

p.s. "Slugbait" is an old game Avatar, don't play much on the computer these days.  You can call me Mike

[Cam]

Hi Mike and welcome to HEO.  I've been here about a year and I agree this is an amazing community of support , insight, financial and legal wisdom.  So many have been there and done that and come out the other side ok.  It really helps to see those who have survived and survived well. There is a tremendous amout of diversity here which helps in so many ways. 
Take care and keep posting there is most always someone on if you just reach a point where you just need to talk. 

[Joanie]

Hey Mike! Welcom to the HEO clan.

[InDenial]

Wow, what an amazing community you've all fasioned here !  Thank you all for your insight and encouragement.  I agree that separation needs to happen sooner rather than later for us to survive this and have a chance to move on, obviously the financial things make this more complicated, but I think the hardest thing for me to think about is what my kids will feel and do (and me too) the day she walks out the door for the last time.  As hard as we are trying to keep things civil, even friendly, the emotions of that day will be enormous.  She is currently meeting with a counselor (Marriage/Family) but seems to twist what she hears to coincide with what she has decided to do.  I know that her therapist has to think first what's right for my wife, but I can't see any licensed care-giver saying some of the things that my wife has atrributed to her.  I think she is desparate for someone to see things from her perspective and to agree with her decision to leave, so far, that has not happened (that I'm aware of). 

p.s. "Slugbait" is an old game Avatar, don't play much on the computer these days.  You can call me Mike

I like the name Slugbait, it's quite memorable.   

Mike, you are correct that your wife's therapist is duty bound to consider what is best for your wife, and not necessarily what is best for your marriage or for your children.  My therapist made that very clear to me at our first session.  I wanted to save my marriage, but my therapist had the opinion that my marriage was damaging to my self esteem. I'm not saying that is what is going on with your wife, just offering some perspective.

Would your wife be open to you coming to one of her counseling sessions?  She might decide that it is in her interest to have you come to one session, to allow her therapist to explain her view to you. If this is something you want, you might present it to your wife that this will allow you to "let go" more easily.

Alternatively you might consider having the two of you meet together with a family counsellor who specializes in treating children. The purpose would be to get advice about how best to handle things with respect to kids. My lawyer of all people gave me a recommendation for such a therapist.  Touching base with a therapist now could also be helpful in case your children need counseling down the road.  (Hopefully it won't come to that.)

For me, it was terribly sad to tell our children that we were separating.  The actual move-out was not at all traumatic, because we agreed that STBX would move his stuff out while the children and I were on vacation. 

My children are handling the separation pretty well I think.  I never bad-mouth my STBX in front of the kids, and always talk about their time with him in a very positive way.  ("It sounds like you had a really fun time with Dad.")

Have the two of you agreed on how to handle custody?  I take it she is the one moving out?  The advice I read, and the family therapist concurred with it, is to come up with a rough custody plan BEFORE telling the kids.  That is the first thing they will want to know: who will take care of us and where will we live? 

I recommend the book "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way".

[slugbait]

InDenial,
Thanks for the response.  You might say that I am in denial because while I recognize that our marriage has not been what it should have been, or what either of us would have hoped for, I still think that divorce is not the only solution.  I have accepted that my stbx wants out and is very determined, but she also has ackwnowledged that she still cares for me and that I still love her and I am just not ready to say that the situation is hopeless.  My faith in God's Grace has grown immeasurably over the last 6 months and I feel while love exists, nothing is impossible.  Perhaps I am naive.  I will (and have) accept that my wife is leaving and that she is convinced that she needs to do this despite all of the collective opinions of our friends and family to the contrary.  I also can't ask someone to stay, knowing they never will love me in the same way that I do.  However, the thought of losing her forever is very painful.  I did attend one of her counseling sessions and the only thing I heard was that she (the counseler) was more concerned about my wife's emotional and physical health than she was about our marriage,  I agreed with this knowing that her emotional stuggles and stress were taking a toll on her and causing her to be self-destructive.  I want my kids to know and love their mom for the rest of their lives and I want her to be whole and healthy.  I guess its true what they say, "If you trully love something, you have to be willing to let it go....."
By The Way:  I bought the book you suggested as we both are unsure how and when to tell the kids and what to expect from there, I am not looking forward to it as they are also losing their new home that they have helped build....this will be so hard