OK I admit

[tryingtorebuild]

the physical then didn't hurt me like the other women then and even now. He'd been so emotional and so remorseful and so damned sweet and romantic trying to gt me to rethink this the last few months... But there've still been other women.  God help me sometimes I'm so jealous (that they can comfort and give him more than I can/could) and hurt (again and again) I could explode.

Somehow the emotional shit is the worse - maybe because the emotions/memories are so much harder to forget than physical wounds that heal and fade? I don't want to feel like an abused and used piece of shit - but that's what I feel like right now. So so so stupid.

I HATE this.

[TC]

So, rather than healing and building a future for yourself as YOU....a future YOU choose....a future you can be proud of.

You'd rather be a piece of ass?

Do you think the "other" women are really comforting him?  Come on...the dude is out there getting laid...and that is it.  He is using them and they are falling for it hook line and sinker.

Is that what you want?  To be used....just a piece of meat.....just a piece of ass?

Think about it.

TC

[Coordman]

"Piece of ass" point aside (which, unfortunately, is likely 100% accurate  ), you're absolutely right, the emotional stuff CAN hurt worse. 

Just as an example, my ex had at least one online affair.  It took me a while, but I came to realize that if she had just gone out and boned some guy, that would not have hurt as bad.  I could have gotten over that just because sex is sex.  It's just physicality and it doesn't necessarily have to have any meaning behind it.  The online thing hurt me because, on some level, she had to connect with this person.  It was a rejection of EVERYTHING I had ever done to support her emotionally.

It's one thing to know your ex got horny and screwed their brains out.  It's another thing entirely to know that your ex is having an in-depth conversation about god-knows-what with another person.  I know how you feel, so I know it's hard, but you need to focus on you now.  Let me put it this way:  The only way your ex can affect you now, is if you allow him to do so.  Live for you.     It's all you can do.

[slcmom]

How can u live for u when you look at them and melt. I am so lonely and all I can think about is someone has already replaced me.

[TC]

How can u live for u when you look at them and melt. I am so lonely and all I can think about is someone has already replaced me.

Read what you just typed.  You have your entire life wrapped up in HIM!  Do you even have a clue who YOU are anymore?

Do you want to always go through life identified by the man in your life?  Is that the example you want to set for your children?

You get past this by consciously making the choice to live life.  If you have to do that one moment at a time, that is fine, then do it one minute at a time...as you get better at it, stretch that minute to three, then 10, then 30 and so on till you get to a point where you are living more than dieing.

Discover yourself SLC.  We already think you are a great young lady and mother....now you just have to convince YOU of that.

TC

[tryingtorebuild]

TC - how's this for a non-answer... No - I don't want a piece of ass... Yes - I want to be a piece of ass... Point being - no! I don't want to be used. Yes! I wish I was that suave and had that many lining up at my door just when i feel like such a piece of yesterday's garbage so he'd feel the way I do.

Stupid, I know.

Coordman - Live for me? DAMN! Good advice and so freaking hard.

Slc - I can't offer anything solid from experience. I'm still in the icky place where I feel so totally replaceable (again and again). I can offer a shoulder to lean on based on being able to relate.

Tornadoes here! Woo Hoo! That's an upside! Love 'em.

[TC]

Go back and read the post I just made to SLC.

Why are you letting HIM define you?

I know this shit is hard.  I know it is even harder when  you are the one left.  I've been left and I've done the leaving. 

But, I also know that till you get to a point where YOU define YOU....well, you aren't really living.

As for the piece of ass statement.....look, if you really want to go out and get laid that is your business.....btdt...BUT if you are looking to let someone use you, well, don't make one of us come out there and give you a good swift kick in the ass!

And by god, if you are going to go the I want to be used route, at least go out to Nevada and work in a cat house where it can be worth your while!

Seriously....focus on you...one moment at a time to start....it DOES get better.

T

[Sluggo]

Ok, just in case TC wasn't clear enough on this (though I can't imagine), you are NOT defined by who you are married to.  You are a whole, unique, gifted, beautiful woman who has strength and purpose that HE has NOTHING to do with ! All he took from you is time and memories. Some of that was good, some was bad....but all of that is in the past. You get to keep everything on that list of things you posted earlier.....and add anything you want.  Don't let some idiot take what never belonged to him !!!
 He's got to make his own choices for himself, and pay the consequences.  You get to be every good thing God intended you to be, and no matter how long your list gets to be, you'll never run out of room for more.
Leave him in the past, with whatever memories you want to keep, and start making some better ones. Like TC said, one minute/day at a time.
sluggo

[chill]

ok good advice here.  and if you can't break away by yourself.  Think of this


If you had a daughter, would you want her husband to do this to her?  What advice would you give her?  and then follow it.

Sex does not = Love

[newdawn]

I know, the denial stage.  I screamed, "I don't wannna be divorced!!!  I want my family back",  even though it sucked and all my friends and family thought my then husband was a jerk to me and the kids.  I laid down in the floor on Thanksgiving and begged God for my family.  You know what?  One year later I am sooooo glad he knew better than me what I needed. 

Fine...cry, regret, grieve.  But come out the other side stonger, better, smarter, and more fantastic than ever.   

Pain, anger, fear.. anything else that this causes you is an opportunity to learn something.  Time to really think about what it is you are sopposed to take away and make you better.

[msveemomx03]

I was replaced over and over again too, and I finally said "she can have you".  Have you looked in the mirror and called yourself a "fool?", ...I did.  Once they cheat it is very very hard to forgive, if not impossible!  I still don't think I have, but it really doesn't matter to me anymore.

My kids were seeing everything, and my youngest (older then) said, he likes to hurt you mom, he thrives on it, don't let him do it anymore.  Its like the others said,...if you let him get to you, he will!

I had really good friends who told me "you deserve better" and so do you.  You deserve someone who won't hurt you physically, who won't cheat.  Its out there for you, but you have to heal first and have your heart open when the time comes.

Just because alot of us are way past it, doesn't mean we don't remember, the pain, the fear, was the worst thing I ever went through in my life!.,...it just dulls with "Time".

Hope I helped.  (((hugs))) LuAnne

[chill]

yep I remember loud and clear and it's been a couple decades.

[guitarrista]

Oh Lord, please don't let yourself be degraded anymore!  But I understand.  I was so tempted to go beg for my X to come back to me at times.  Until I got a LIFE.  A fun life.  No NO NOOOOOOOO.  The pain WILL go away  IF YOU GET A LIFE.  IF YOU GET A CIRCLE OF GOOD FRIENDS.

[Wolfy]

Have you been replaced? Well maybe in the sex department but hell, I can pay for that if that's all I wanted. The other woman can't replace how you cared for him and was there for him through thick and thin. You devoted your life to him. How you had kids you cared about more than anything. The other woman can't do that. And those are the real important things. the problem with going through the crud is that our prespective gets screwed up. Suddenly just being a warm body in a bed is what we think we coulda/shoulda given him. You gals gave your stbx's so much more that is so much more important. And those things cannot be replaced by a person they meet overnight. Remember that your stbx's rejected that when they cheated on you.

You are so much more of a woman that has so much more to offer a guy, if you chose. But first you have to go through the crud, discover the problems you would bring to a relationship right now and correct them, and learn who you are and what you have to offer. You are valuable people with something to offer. Don't forget that.

[wolfspryte]

TTR...
Yes, the emotional hurts worse than the physical.  The physical beats your body... the emotional beats your soul. 
You've gotten a lot of good advice here...  listen to it.. work with it.. and you will be able to have  a life of your own.  But, you need to take care of YOU.  Be happy with YOU...