DTC's Story

[daisythecat]

We've filed for divorce, and now just waiting for the paperwork to go through.  His biggest beef against me is that I've never been attracted to him- not even when dating.  Usually, when I talk to people who say they aren't attracted to their spouse, I eventually discover they were attracted at first but then fell out of attraction (or out of love). Well that's not my case. I have never been sexually attracted to my husband, and in fact, have only been sexually attracted to a few men in my whole 30+ years. I used to laugh about the guys who approach me (not realizing or caring that I was married) because while many of them were cute, I never felt anything sexual.

My biggest beef against him is financial indiscretion.  He quit his job (w/o asking me) to pursue a business opportunity.  He had not yet made any money on the opportunity, but was convinced that it would make us rich.  He spent all our savings, home equityloans,  and ran up both of our cards with cash advances to try more "opportunities" as each previous failed. He recently got a job, but for the previous year I was the sole breadwinner.

I've just returned home from a 6 month military trip (in-country, not overseas). Halfway through my trip, my STBX told me (via a 10 page dear john letter he emailed me) that he was through. He's had a miserable 12 years being married to someone who was never attracted to him, even while dating, and who's always nagged at his decisions (making him feel like I think he'll never be good enough for me). This degraded into frustration over my anger at his lack of financial discretion. He realized that we will never be happy with one another. His letter described his plan for what he will do after we part, including who gets what (he wanted our son) and how much all this would cost (only $200). We were in the process of selling our house (we couldn't afford it) so that wouldn't be an issue.

I bought a bunch of self-help books (Love is a Choice, For Women Only, If only He knew, etc) to find a way to patch things up but eventually came to peace with him leaving.  After all, also had been unhappy since we married and often resented the religious ?counseling? we got at year 4 which encouraged us to stay together. OTOH, I felt like he didn't beat me and wasn't in jail so I had no room to complain.  Many people had far worse marriages than we did.

Right before I come home, he suddenly switched gears and says he won't leave if I don't want to- but we'll sleep in separate rooms and I cannot expect him to change his ways. He prepared a room for me in his new place, and said we could find a way to live peaceably w/o divorce. It almost sounded to me like he tried to put his plan in action and saw that it wouldn?t work. Or that he realized I was actually coming home (we thought I was going to be sent to another state for 3 years). My mom says maybe he had someone on the side and she dumped him, but I see no evidence of infidelity. He had scheduled a visit to his family the day after I got home from my 6 month job, so while he was gone I packed up my stuff and our son and moved into my own place. When he returned, we filed for divorce (though the papers haven?t come back yet).

So my son and I have been on our own for a month now. No furniture yet, but I?ll get there. Our state divides the debt evenly, so even though the loans and cards were all ran up for HIS ?business opportunities? I?ve got 6 figure debt I?ll need to start paying off. At least I can afford the payments. I CAN?T afford another of his "great ideas."

Right now, the biggest problem I?m facing is loneliness and feeling bad about myself. I know (intellectually) this is the best for all of us- even him (because hopefully this will cause him to realize the error of his ways), but it?s hard to tell my emotions that. I thank you all for your warm welcome earlier.  Please tell me that the feelings get better- because right now this stinks.  It's even worse now that my counselor told me to expect him to find someone else quickly, since he needs someone to take care of him. 
I wasn't expecting all these bad feelings- I honestly expected to feel good about myself that I've gotten out of this relationship and (hopefully) won't have to keep working side jobs/hustling to bail him out of one financial crisis after another.

Thanks again,

DaisyTheCat

PS:  This may look familiar, because I also posted my story on MarriageBuilders, though I'm not sure why I did that since the marriage is over.  Maybe because I was reading their forum for months (trying to find a way to make things work) from a computer that wouldn't allow me to post.

[TC]

Thanks for sharing your story DTC, though I must tell you, it is somewhat confusing.

I get confused by the fact that as you describe your marriage, nowhere do you do so in an affectionate manner.  Yet, you close your letter by telling us of your lonliness and low self-esteem.  The low self-esteem I kind of get...you've had a rough year to 18 months and having been in a relationship where my ex was a compulsive spender, I understand how that can make you feel.

I guess what really gets me is your sense of lonliness.  I mean, here you are deployed for six months....during which time you make no mention of family visits, or share fond marital memories, you come home and immediately move into your own place and now you feel lonely?  Sorry, just doesn't quite add up for me.

I'm guessing there is some deep seated depression and possibly emotional trauma going on here that you either have not yet faced, or have not yet shared...which is ok, but just pointing out how it appears to me.

You say you have been reading, so you should know by now that I don't pull punches and I call things the way I see them.....that is all I'm doing here.

What does your counselor say about all this?

Do you have family close by?

How long have you been in the military?

TC

[Sluggo]

I eventually discover they were attracted at first but then fell out of attraction (or out of love).

I'm a little confused, as well. If you equate "Love" with "Attraction", and you were never attracted to him....what prompted you to marry him, if you don't mind me asking ?  You don't need to answer that if you aren't comfortable doing so, but I saw what TC saw in that you don't speak as if there has been any kind of affection or connection between you, unless I'm missing something.  Is your sense of lonliness from missing him, or just being alone in general...I'm no psychologist, but it might be important to differentiate the two.  I'll leave it at that for now.

Sluggo

[Wolfy]

The way I see it you both have some fault in you broken marriage. Certainly large business ventures should be decided by both of you before doing it. I also can see where he would be broken hearted by being married to a woman who does not find him attractive. Guys need to feel important to their spouses and that would be difficult for any guy t deal with.

So your job now, is to start sorting through your feelings and thoughts to help understand yourself better so you can recover from this and so you are a better spouse for any future relationships. The beginning of a divorce is hell. You know that. Take things one day at a time. Hang in there.

[daisythecat]

Thanks for your responses.  The whole story is 9 pages long, so I left out a lot of detail in my post. Here are answers to your questions:

I guess what really gets me is your sense of loneliness.  I mean, here you are deployed for six months....during which time you make no mention of family visits, or share fond marital memories, you come home and immediately move into your own place and now you feel lonely?  Sorry, just doesn't quite add up for me.

It doesn't add up for me either- that's why I am so confused.  I don't understand why I would feel lonely if I've been away from home all this time and even before then we never really did much together.  Early in our marriage we did a lot of stuff together- traveling, snow-boarding, cruise, etc, but over time we stopped even hanging out.  He became the kind of guy that if I wanted to spend time with him, basically I'd have to go sit in his office while he surfed the net.  So I thought moving out would be no different, and I actually expected to feel  better because I would be alone but at least I'm not chasing after someone else who doesn't care if I'm around.  My counselor says it's normal to feel sadness and loss, and that it would say something negative about me if I didn't feel sad and lonely about the situation, seeing as we'd been together 15 years and married for 12 of those.  She also says it shows how isolated I have become living with him since I don't really have any friends.

I think the other problem is that my TDY location was in a place where I once was stationed and had some girlfriends I could talk and cry with.  My current duty location is a place I had only lived a couple months prior to this trip, and I really haven't made friends with too many folks.  I'm trying to make friends here, but that takes time.

Do you have family close by?
How long have you been in the military?

No.  Over 10 years.

If you equate "Love" with "Attraction", and you were never attracted to him....what prompted you to marry him, if you don't mind me asking ?

I don't equate love with attraction, but I've found that most people do.  They say they were never attracted to their spouse, but actually had lots of wild passion and then when reality set in the attraction went away and they say they "fell out of love."  We never had any passion, but I loved my husband because he was my best friend and we did everything together. It didn't bother me too much that he didn't turn me on because nobody else really did either (I?ve been attracted to only a handful of guys in my life). We were both virgins when we married, and had limited interaction with the opposite sex prior to our relationship. We both honestly thought I would change once we were married and the guilt of ?no sex outside of marriage? was no longer hovering over my head.  I did have momentary misgivings about getting married, because there WAS a guy in college I was very attracted to, but he was not interested in marriage, just fun.  And I wasn't interested in fun w/o marriage.

So why did we get married?  "Because my mom told me to" is a big part of the answer. There were no other prospects (not even boyfriends) and, "You don't want to end up old and alone do you???" I told myself looks don't matter- you've been best friends for years. Here's a nice guy who doesn't hit, drink, smoke weed, or sell drugs. He'll never be in jail, and he'll always have a good job (so I thought). Most of the men I grew up with were drunk and involved in illegal activities.  I thought he was my only chance to get married. Pretty soon I would be an old maid and I certainly didn't want THAT!  I know this sounds pretty dumb- and that's about how I feel right now! Pretty dumb.

as you describe your marriage, nowhere do you do so in an affectionate manner

Affectionate isn't a word I would use to describe our marriage.  But then (as my counselor pointed out) affection has been quite absent from my whole life, so the lack of affection didn't bother me too much.  One friend joked that our marriage was more like a business arrangement.  I think there's some truth to that.  We actually considered divorce at the 4 year point, because neither of us was happy. I was never turned on, and he always was.  What little he got was with a resentful bitter partner. We stayed together because of religious conviction and because of our position in the church, with me agreeing to indulge him on a more regular (scheduled) basis. Things were tolerable, and considering how bad other people's lives were, I figured this was probably the best it was going to get.  Over the next few years, as I watched my friends suffer physical and emotional abuse, I reminded myself I should be thankful my only problems with him was the spending issue. When he ran up the cards too high for my comfort, I would get a second job to pay them down.  Or work more real estate if we had a couple months where we couldn't pay bills.  The attraction issue seemed to be resolved since he was getting some more regularly.  I only know a few couples who actually have a good marriage.  Everyone else is miserable.  He hadn't cheated on me, beat me, or any such thing.   So I was thankful that even though things weren't perfect, they weren't bad.

They got bad after awhile though, but not a "beat w/in an inch of my life" kind of bad: We missed a few months of his car note, and the reason I volunteered for my trip was that we couldn't pay the house note- even with the side hustling I was doing.  I couldn't handle coming home each night, finding him surfing the web scouting out more business opportunities rather than getting a job.  My hair was starting to fall out, and I thought if I had an "excuse" to be gone, he'd have no choice but to come up and do his part.  After all, I couldn't work my side business while TDY.   But instead he borrowed money from family.  When the family well ran dry (about a month before I came home) , he finally got a job.  Unfortunately, he kept insisting his earlier decisions were right and as soon as we had something saved up, he spent it flying out to explore some project (that will make us rich, of course) with his brother. 

Is your sense of loneliness from missing him, or just being alone in general.

I think it's both. Prior to my trip, we had addressed the intimacy issue in a way that (I thought) was ok with him, but even while I was gone, new bills and new loans were popping up. I really thought that moving out was going to shake him out of this fog and make him realize I was serious about him changing his financial ways.  I figured when he came home and saw I was gone, he'd know that I had put my foot down and wasn't going to take it anymore.  We'd go to counseling, live on our own a little bit while he got his act together, and then get back together and be happy.  But instead he said let's sign the papers b/b I already know I can find someone else who's smaller, sings better, and appreciates me for who I am.  It all happened so fast.  Not at all the fairy tale I had in my mind.  I'm certainly learning you can't control others, only enforce your own boundaries- but I guess I also need to learn how to accept the consequences.

And there is the feeling of being alone in general, because I'm really not a good candidate for marriage, as you can tell.  So it's likely that I'm going to be "old and alone" after all, and that actually scares me more than deploying.

you both have some fault in you broken marriage

Very true.  I especially have been very mean and angry over the last year or two.  And I think resentful throughout the whole marriage.  He remarked that I was no longer the sweet girl he married. I told him "that is true- I can't keep being that girl when you get passed over (thus put out) of the military and then up and quit the civilian job you had without even securing another form of income first."  Earlier in our marriage, I was all about being the sweet, submissive, wife (which I think led to repressed anger).  But when something went wrong and I would get upset, he would throw it in my face, "well, you supported me."  So I stopped supporting decisions that I thought were bad and started telling him so.  Especially after he quit his job and it was my paycheck alone to cover everything.  Over time, I REALLY got military on him.  And I took it too far- tearing down all these lame-brained plans and constantly nagging him to get a real job only made him dig his heels in. 

Guys need to feel important to their spouses

Wow.  I can say that he didn't have much room to feel important at all.  I've been so angry at him, and feeling that he's bringing me down rather than doing anything good for me (which also doesn't make sense- why on earth do I miss him if he's only bringing me down?). 

So how does one help a spouse feel important in this kind of situation? 
 

[TC]

DTC,

Thank you for sharing.  You are a good communicator and your taking time to answer questions and clear the air so to speak says a lot about the type of person you are and want to be.

I read your response, word for word, and here is what I get out of it.  I see a woman who has never had much self-esteem.  I see a woman who has lived her civilian life trying to live up to the image others have built for you, rather than developing your own identity that you can feel comfortable with.  I am not surprised at all that you are in the military...and I'm betting your military persona and your civilian/wife persona are quite different.  I see someone who has excelled in her field in the military, someone who is respected as a professional and probably takes charge easily...but at home, believes she is to be submissive, supportive, etc.

I understand your lonliness much better now and believe it is largely due to the fact that you truly are alone, rather than the fact that you miss the marriage.  Yes, you miss the friendship of the marriage, but not the marriage itself.  I can relate to this as I spent 18 years in the military and left home and family 30 years ago.  I understand how isolated and alone you can feel.  In fact, I met my ex because I made bad choices while severely depressed due to lonliness.  Back then, I didn't have the courage or fortitude to seek professiona help, which I dearly needed.

I will recommend a book for you that I recommend to a lot of people...a book that has helped me a lot throughout my life.  It is called, The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck.  I learned a lot about myself through this book and I believe you will to if you give it a chance.

I would also encourage you to "get involved."  By that I mean that it would be good for you to become active in something you find enjoyable...whether it be hiking, going to church, going back to school, joining a women's club, joining a sports team...something that YOU enjoy.  When you do things YOU enjoy, you also meet people who share at least some of your interests...and in doing so, friendships can often develop.  I think it is rather obvious, you need a friend or two. 

I would also encourage you to get to know yourself....decide who you are, and who you really want to be.  I am willing to bet your intamacy issues are not so much to do with your partner as they are to do with yourself and how you view yourself.  Yes, there is such a thing as physical attraction...we all experience it.  But, at the same time, in a truly loving relationship, the physical attraction is not nearly as important, imo, as the emotional bond.  I think you need to explore this aspect of your persona deeply....in fact, it would not surprise me at all to hear that you were sexually abused as a child...and no, I am not asking a question here, just making an observation.

At any rate, as I said earlier, I think your openness and willingness to communicate is a quite positive aspect of your character.  I hope you continue.  I've found that the more I open up to others about myself, the more I learn about myself. 

TC

[Sluggo]

Daisy,
Like TC, I am also impressed by your honesty and ability to express your thoughts, thanks for trusting us enough to share them.  Here's some of my responses to you said.

Early in our marriage we did a lot of stuff together- traveling, snow-boarding, cruise, etc, but over time we stopped even hanging out.

I'm curious why this stopped ?  Did one of you lose interest in these activities, or both...or was there some other distraction ?

I don't equate love with attraction, but I've found that most people do.

I'm not sure this is true, and if you have found it to be true so often, you have had an unfortunate sampling for a role model.  I do think that many marriages fail when the "Attraction" , or physical passion runs thin, but I would bet those marriages had other issues as well, or just never matured beyond the "warm fuzzie" stage of infatuation.  In your case, it sounds like you never even had that, he might have, but there was never any passion for him in the first place.  This isn't necessarily your fault, but I think its important to understand something was missing from the get go. I think TC makes a good point in that passion, and attraction, while an important ingrediant in the beginning of a realationship....needs to evolve into a more emotional connection and committment, as physical attraction can wane over time.  Doesn't mean that physical passion necessarily goes out the window, nor should it....but without the emotional connection, and the choice to love regardless of the circumstances.......physical attraction is not enough by itself to sustain a marriage...IMO.  The fact that passion was missing from the start, makes that connection, and choosing to love your spouse (and he, you)....all the more important. 

We never had any passion, but I loved my husband because he was my best friend and we did everything together. It didn't bother me too much that he didn't turn me on because nobody else really did either

I'm curious if you feel like you settled for someone for whom you felt no attraction to, only to resent him for it later. Again, not pointing the finger of blame here, but you say you " loved my husband because he was my best friend and we did everything together", , that sounds like a great basis for a friendship, and even a great start for a marriage...but in hind sight, would you make the choice to marry him again ?  I guess the reason I am asking, is that if you felt like something was missing from the beginning, maybe hopeing it would be enough to make it last.......you might have ended up feeling disappointed, leaving him feeling unloved and unappreciated...both of which leading to feeling distanced from each other.   Does that make sense, or am I off the mark here ?

We'd go to counseling, live on our own a little bit while he got his act together, and then get back together and be happy.

This certainly sounds like a worthy plan, but it doesn't sound like he was too enthused about it....maybe because he felt like it all hinged on him becoming what you expected him to be.  I'm not saying your expectations for him (especially the financial responsibilities) were unreasonable, but were you tuned in to what he needed from you ? 

But instead he said let's sign the papers b/b I already know I can find someone else who's smaller, sings better, and appreciates me for who I am.

This sounds like a pretty selfish attitude, and hurtfull for you, but it's also a telling one...clearly indicating he felt you didn't appreciate him.  I can tell you from experience, a man who doesn't feel good about himself, who feels like he has been a failure (not necessarily your fault), will find it difficult to contribute to the relationship and will become distant and detached.

Very true.  I especially have been very mean and angry over the last year or two.  And I think resentful throughout the whole marriage.  He remarked that I was no longer the sweet girl he married. I told him "that is true- I can't keep being that girl when you get passed over (thus put out) of the military and then up and quit the civilian job you had without even securing another form of income first."  Earlier in our marriage, I was all about being the sweet, submissive, wife (which I think led to repressed anger).  But when something went wrong and I would get upset, he would throw it in my face, "well, you supported me."  So I stopped supporting decisions that I thought were bad and started telling him so.  Especially after he quit his job and it was my paycheck alone to cover everything.  Over time, I REALLY got military on him.  And I took it too far- tearing down all these lame-brained plans and constantly nagging him to get a real job only made him dig his heels in. 

While its not hard to understand your frustration with him, it sounds like he gave you plenty of fuel for the fire, all truth and no grace becomes nothing but judgement and condemnation....pretty hard to feel close to someone who sees only failure in you.  That being said, I understand your disappointment in him, and your relationship, and why the distance between you....but I can't help wondering if it was inevitable, given your lack of emotional committment from the start.  I'm sorry for both of you, that it came to this, and I know it hurts to see your relationship come to an end, but I would guess your feelings of lonliness include regret for the loss of a relationship that maybe you never really had with him.

I hope you take TC's suggestion and really get to know yourself, what you want in life, who you really want to be.  Don't give up on loving again, if you want it happen someday, I'm sure it will....but work on a healthy you first.....hopefully, he will do the same.

Sluggo

[daisythecat]

Thank you both for your responses- I kind of feel I was a little *too* honest, though.  Seeing my story in print really makes me feel pathetic.  But it's already out there, so I guess there's no sense in clamming up now.

I am not surprised at all that you are in the military...and I'm betting your military persona and your civilian/wife persona are quite different.  I see someone who has excelled in her field in the military, someone who is respected as a professional and probably takes charge easily...but at home, believes she is to be submissive, supportive, etc.

TC, do you know me in real-life or is this just a common persona that graces this board?  One of my coworkers did a psych review on me and was flabbergasted that the "real me" was so markedly different from the "professional me."

I'm curious why this stopped ?

Sluggo, part of the problem is that I like to do more activities outside of the home (running, sightsee, snowboard, eat out), whereas he is more into home-based activities that are individual (computer, music- he's a good musician). His participation in things I liked to do was designed with a particular goal, and once we set up a regular "schedule" he had no reason to do those activities with me anymore.  Another part of the problem, he said, was my resentment of meeting his needs.  I think another problem, though he and I haven't discussed it, is that much of our free time used to be spent discussing religious doctrine.  Our views have diverged greatly following a new teaching that came out 6-7 years ago, and we never regained that conversation spark we used to have.  It was always tinged with his opinion that I was in error, and my irritation that he was too "out there."

Basically, there was very little holding us together in the first place, and what little there was wore thin.

I'm not sure this is true, and if you have found it to be true so often, you have had an unfortunate sampling for a role model.

Not a large statistically significant sample, by any means, just people I've tried to talk to about my situation.  Which no one understands because no one else I know would be dumb enough to get involved in such a marriage.  Then again, very few of them are really happy either (not much comfort, but a little) so I don't know why I bothered asking.  The one person I know who has a great marriage, when I asked her, said I was lying and must have a man on the side.

I think its important to understand something was missing from the get go.

Yes, I realize that now.  Interestingly, he and I talked about this in the context of the book "His Needs Her Needs" where it leads couples to determine and then actively strive to meet each others core needs.  A key premise is making deposits in the "Love Bank" by meeting those needs, and he said my admission that it really was better that we split so that he doesn't have to live with my bitterness, resentment, and lack of attraction made major deposits into his Love Bank. The bottom line, though, is a large part of fulfillment for him comes from the attraction of his spouse- him being desirable. And I can't give him that. It's like he has been pining away for all these years dying for some attraction.    He said he put up with it while dating b/c he was SO sure I'd change once married.  I really do feel bad for him.  I wonder if I were more attracted to him, would he have done something about this tendency he had toward financial indiscretions- it's almost like a weird form of gambling.

I'm curious if you feel like you settled for someone for whom you felt no attraction to, only to resent him for it later.

Yes. I have resented him for a long time.  That's not fair to him, but it's true. 

in hind sight, would you make the choice to marry him again ?

No. I no longer so sure about the whole "marry your best friend" concept.  Especially when you've got to wonder what's wrong with both of us that my best friend was a guy and his best friend was a female.  A guy that makes a good "girlfriend" does not necessarily make a good husband.

I would guess your feelings of loneliness include regret for the loss of a relationship that maybe you never really had with him.

I will have to ponder this.  I still remember the day when, at a ladies church function, I mentioned that he and I had never dated.  We just hung out as friends and one day he asked me to marry him.  It totally stopped the conversation for a few seconds as they all looked at me like that was crazy.  But we'd been married 10+ years, so I thought nothing of it.  And there was another time that one of my friends commented how strange it was that we didn't speak to one another like we were anything more than pals or coworkers.  I honestly thought that was a positive thing, a sign of refinement, since until he quit his job we had never argued (yelling and screaming).  Just civilized "discussions."

it sounds like he gave you plenty of fuel for the fire, all truth and no grace becomes nothing but judgment and condemnation....pretty hard to feel close to someone who sees only failure in you.

Very true- it goes back to the other question, HOW exactly do you support someone who behaves like this without incurring more trouble? I almost lost my clearance over this.  When he first sent me the letter, I was actually very relieved because I wouldn't have to deal with his issues ever again (so I thought- it's going to take me ~ 8 years to pay off all the debt, but that's my fault for cosigning).  I know nagging doesn't work. I know screaming doesn't work.  But what does work?

you miss the friendship of the marriage, but not the marriage itself.

TC, I think you are right about this. He was one of very few friends I have here, and the other one is someone I feel very uncomfortable talking to right now because she works closely with him and spent a couple hours trying to calm him down when he couldn't find me that weekend I left.  Even though I'm 100% sure there's nothing between them, it's awkward for me to talk to her, b/c I wonder if she's going to tell him everything I say.  My counselor says it looks like I really isolated myself with him. It's a shame too, because you go back in my photo album (which I have been) and you notice for the first 4-5 years lots of pics with us and friends.  And then the friends drop off, and it's just us.  And then it's just me or nobody (if I'm taking a picture of some sight, since I had started going places alone).  And then tons of photos of my son, but rare father pics. 

This is so sad! But at least I'm taking advantage of free counseling through the military, and it's opening my eyes to a lot that I have to change to ensure that my future (and my son's future) will be better.  Things like expectation management, boundary setting, reality testing (gotta kick that tendency to plan for fairy-tales)... basically I have a lot of growing up to do.

Thanks again.

[TC]

No DTC, I do not know you in real life...or if I do, I'm not aware of it. 

Let's just say I've been around the block a few dozen times myself, made way more than my share of mistakes and have learned a lesson or two along the way.  I understand a lot of what you wrote about because I have been through similiar stuff....that is all.

Don't feel like you sound pathetic....there is no such thing so long as you are willing to face your situaiton and work at helping yourself.  At least that is my view of life...the only people I see as pathetic are those that will not face or help themselves.

We are here to help....each of us sees things a bit differant...take what works for you....disregard the rest....and that definately includes anything I post.

TC

[Sluggo]

Daisy,
It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of things here and reading your thoughtful responses makes me think you are anything but "pathetic".  I also felt, in reading this post, like I was reading something so familiar.  I think some of the dynamics you mention, are similar to what happened im my marriage.  We started off with plenty of attraction, and passion...but it wasn't long before she became disappointed in me for various reasons....many of which she didn't voice until she left 14 years later.  I think now, that her dissatisfaction left me feeling very powerless to meet any of her needs or expectations, and that becomes a very unhealthy situation.  We had (have) a great freindship, are raising 2 very special kids, had a lot of really good times....but at the end of the day, she had a picture in her mind of what she wants life, and marriage, home, etc...to look like, and I wasn't getting it done for her.  So, point being, I can relate to some of what your husband sees and feels and I hope, like me, that this will be a catalyst for some rockin' change in his life.  I also have tried hard to see the pain of her disappointment, the lost dreams, the fractured fairy tale....I've never wanted anything more but to see her happy...and this marriage wasn't going to see that happen.  So, we move on and try to make sense of things, just as you are....we do our best to forgive ourselves, and each other.......we try to give each other the grace to find what we need in life and to be happy, even if its with someone else someday.

I hope that you give yourself the grace to learn from the past, to remember what was good and to hope for healing...for both of you.

Sluggo

[Wolfy]

DTC

You can feel however you want to feel, for now. The important thing is to "look forward" and figure out what you are going to do from here. Both for yourself and for your marriage (or divorce). No one here will blame you for your past, but you will get blamed if you don't start working on your future.

[daisythecat]

Thanks- I've been reading a lot of divorce/relationship/recovery websites and I can definitely see that my anger and resentment greatly contributed to this. I can't help but wonder if I hadn't been subconsiously resentful of getting married and then feeling trapped in the marriage** would he have not lost motivation to make something of himself?  On the other hand, the tendencies of no follow-through and financial mismanagement existed while we ere dating, but we were both so broke it was on a much smaller scale, and I didn't even consider him being broke all the time a harbinger of bad times. I thought it was b/c we were students making very little each month. It's almost like a chicken and egg, though. 

**I had misgivings about getting married, but my mom insisted I go through with it.  I then gave my life to the Lord. When I discovered that my attitude about sex hadn't changed as we had hoped, discovered a ton of credit card debt he had hidden from me, and got surprised with his first "business opportunity" then I wanted to leave. But I felt like my interpretation of the Bible precluded divorced, and so from very early on felt trapped.  I wonder if his financial issues were exasperated by my feelings, even if I never verbalized them.

What do you think?