I miss myself

[BamaJan]

I'm having a really hard time. I miss who I was becoming when I first moved. I really miss her. And I'm not so sure anymore I'll get back to that.

I know it's my fault because I'm not doing all I should be doing - but I'm hurting the same.

I'm just out of steam. And more often than noI thing after another and I just feel swallowed up by it all.

Just having a hell of a time - I keep trying to get out of it, distract myself, one foot in front of the other, ignore him, focus on me, say nice things to myself, do nice things for myself, take care of & love my kids - I'm just overwhelmed.

And I really do miss who I was becoming. I want that back.

TTR, I think we sometimes take a couple of steps back. I'm in the same place you are right now.  I suppose we should look at it as a journey with winding roads. I've hit a dead-end and I'm backing up to get back on the right road. I'll pray that you will get back on the right road, too.

[Bofemus]

I can very much identify with having gotten to a certain place, and then having lost it, and subsequently "backsliding" quite a bit.
And the frustration with seeing the distance between where "there" was, and where you are now.
And the impatience with wanting that gap to magically go away.
And the self-judgment that comes with having "allowed" that "fall from grace".

But here's the thing... it happened.  Here is where you are.
Part of the trick to moving forward is ceasing to compare now to then, and here to there.
You've grasped that you can't do it in the comparison to "perfect marriage" to "failed marriage".
Or "the life I wanted" and "the life I have".
You get that indulging in that stuff keeps you stuck... that you have to accept reality as it is, and not cling to images and hopes from the past.
Well, that has to even include recent past images of yourself!
Even as recent as yesterday.

"Damn, I felt like a million bucks yesterday!  Why do I feel like I'm buried under a million pounds of SHIT today???"
Part of what makes the shit day as difficult as it is, is comparing it to the fabulous day.  Let a shit day be a shit day... don't burden your shit-self with your YAY self.
If you need to be bitchy, let that inner bitch fly, don't let yesterday's happy-snappy fly in and judge that bitch.
BE WHO YOU ARE, IN EACH MOMENT THAT YOU ARE.

When you really pull that off, a funny thing happens... if you really can pull yourself out of a funk, you will.  But not because you judged it, told yourself that you're wrong for being in a funk, and shamed yourself into being a happier person (because, yeah, like THAT happens so often, and SO successfully...), but because you give yourself the *space* to move into to... the groovy space awaits all that will get their groove on in it!

And when you won't, you don't.  No big.  The groove still awaits.  The funk never dies.   

Don't miss who you were.  Love who you are.
Loving who you are will get you back to where you were.
Or better yet, will get you to a you that's even better!
Do you think you've been the best you ever?  No?  Then ASSUME that every moment of your life is part of the perfect process of getting to the best you ever.

(And BTW... just so you know... you're already the best you ever.  You can't improve on you.  You are you.  It doesn't get any better, or any worse.  Just because you SAY it's better because this or that has changed, doesn't make it true.  You're a fabulous you now, you'll be an equally fabulous you then.)

[enough is enough]

Thanks Bo,
  Your post was very helpful for me. I have been trying to look forward. I have spent so much time looking back with regret and anger. I have realized I cant fix anything or change anything in the past.

It just suck that the funks seem to last longer than the highs. This current funk has been slowly lifting only because I have cut off communication with him to only the kids. It takes all the will power I can muster to not call or text. At the end of the day I feels good not to have gotten into a fight or spend another day gettin beaten down and belittled.

He will have to live with his decisions. I just hope and pray that our children arnt affected by his selfishness.

[Annaka]

Dear TTR,

I've been thinking about you and the sadness you are experiencing as you go through this major transition in your life. During the half of your life that you have spent with your x, he became your whole life so-much-so that the definition of you as an individual was lost. It's a common thing and I'm not criticizing you for it because that is what we tend to do when we fall in love. We trade our singular identity to become part of a joint one. I feel your struggle and hope to help you reframe some of your thoughts to show you that there is a better life for you.

You're 36 years old-very young by many standards. You've written that you have spent 18 years or half of your life with your x. Every year beyond this will reduce the amount of your lifetime that you spent with him. So in this moment, you've spent 50% of your life with him, ten years from now it drops to 39% and so on. It only matters if you keep it as a reference point. When you're 86 do you want to be saying "I spent 21% of my life with that man"? I would encourage you to think of it as 'we were married for 18 years' and leave it at that.  And trust me, over time it won't matter as much.  You could have 50 years ahead of you, perhaps more...there are a whole lot of good things just waiting to happen for you in the next 5 decades. Do you really want to spend them looking back at what once was in the far distant past? You deserve better. I know it and so does everyone else here.

I challenge you to think about a future posting that you will make on this site, in say, four years from now. I picked that as an arbitrary number so feel free to select a different time point. If you'll allow me the liberty, I'd like to give you two possible scenarios of what you might write.  You get to decide which one it will be because you are the author of your life. No one else.

Scenario 1

"It's been four years since my husband left. I'm still feeling sad although I do have a few good days. I think I'm a good person and I'd like to know that I deserve better than this but I just can't seem to get there.  He's gone on with his life, why can't I?"

Scenario 2

"Just checking in to say hi to everyone. The past four years have just flown by. I'm doing great, I've found happiness and peace in my life that I only once imagined. And my kids are terrific. I can't believe my baby is now four years old! I am so proud of myself for making it through 'the crud' and in the process finding this wonderful person called ME. I hope you are all doing well. Oh, I've changed my screen name from 'tryingtorebuild' to 'Rebuilt and Better than Ever'. "

So which do you want for yourself?

I don't know if you have kept a journal during the time of your marriage? I did. The saddest part is that I started writing about it 10 years ago and guess what? over the 10 years, there really wasn't any measurable positive change. I don't think I would have been aware of that had I not kept a diary of how I was feeling. Despite all of that, I spent years in denial convincing myself that the times in between the sadness, hurt and anger were enough to keep the marriage going. They weren't. And a part of me was lost in the process.

So, I went out and bought a new journal. On the inside cover there is a place to write your name. It says 'This journal belongs to' and I filled in 'a strong woman'.

I'm also going to start a new thread and write what my two scenarios could look like four years down the road and I'm going to hope that others will consider adding their scenarios, too.

I am absolutely confident that there is a wonderful future for you and that you have the power to make it happen. And I will be happy to encourage you whenever you feel week or temporarily stumble.

God bless you.

[Phoenix]

BamaJan talking about roads reminded me of this.  Not sure who the author is:

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place, but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

[cam]

Awesome Phoenix!!    I've never heard that and it summarizes my life this last two years completely!  Now if I can just find another street

[InDenial]

So, I went out and bought a new journal. On the inside cover there is a place to write your name. It says 'This journal belongs to' and I filled in 'a strong woman'.

Wow!  Great post.  You go girl!!!

[teddybear]

Fabulous, awesome, thought-provoking and am proud to know such wonderful people.

[Sluggo]

Fabulous, awesome, thought-provoking and am proud to know such wonderful people.

I concurr....
This is trully a strange and wonderful place....a year ago, I would have said it was just strange.....little did I know.  It no longer seems strange to think that strangers know more about my life that the people I see everyday....call me crazy.

[tryingtorebuild]

Fabulous, awesome, thought-provoking and am proud to know such wonderful people.

I concurr....
This is trully a strange and wonderful place....a year ago, I would have said it was just strange.....little did I know.  It no longer seems strange to think that strangers know more about my life that the people I see everyday....call me crazy.

I agree.

Wonderful post Annaka, wonderful. What you said about me in four years and the two scenarios - I know which scenario I want - I was reading this today and it really hit me - I will be right where I'm at if I don't do something today, not say I need to do it - but do it. So I called and made an appointment with a counselor for Friday.

Also - your walking me through the numbers - that when I'm in 80s it'll no longer be I spent 1/2 my life with him - so very TRUE and what an awesome wonderful way to view it.

I did keep journals, like from little on - and I have read through some of those from over the years, the sad thing is things became worse over time, never better for prolonged periods - and I could read how my mind was breaking, my body was tired and sore, my spirit was dying and giving way to his will and his thinking. And I allowed it.

I'm here because he asked for a separation again, someone stroked his ego again, but I'm also here because this time - I wouldn't go through it again.

Thank you Annaka.

Phoenix, love the road thing too.

God this place rocks.