Cell phone

[alamom]

Have been divorced for 7 years. One child, 50/50 custody. Ex moved an hour away a couple years ago. Since then, contact is extremely limited when child is at his dad's house. Dad does not allow child to call mom (me) because it is long distance and when I call, it's a hassle. He's either busy or I am told he can only talk for a few minutes. So, this past week before my son went to visit his dad, I got another line added to my cell plan and gave him his own phone so he could call me anytime he wanted while at his dad's house and it would be free. Well, my son came home tonight and said his dad told him he is not allowed to have the cell at his house.

Is this considered alienation? Is there anything I can do about this at all legally? Or do I have to swallow it becasue it is his house and he can make the rules in his house? BTW, our divorce papers state that neither parent can attempt to hinder the relationship with the other parent.

Child is 13 by the way.

[TC]

One might argue that you are attempting to interfer with yoru son's relationship with his father.....by calling and interupting "their" time together.

As for what you can do about it...my opinion only, but unless your decree specifies that you are to have telephone contact with your son while he is visiting his father...you aren't going to get many courts to support you...and in my opinion, no, it is not alienation...it is a father wanting to spend time with his son without your influence/interuptions.

Just my take....

TC

[alamom]

I did not say I got it so I could call him, I got it so he could call me. I would just as soon never call his dad's house, but I have to if I want to talk to him about anything at all because he is not allowed to call me. I only call maybe once a month, but like I said, I got it so he could call me whenever he wanted to call. And I know my kid, he will want to call me if something significant happened in his life. And significant to a 13 year old is stuff like making a good grade on a test I helped him study for or making a great play at baseball or football practice. What he currently does usually if he wants to talk to me is borrow a friend's cell phone at school and give me a quick call to tell me something before his dad gets to the school to pick him up.

[TC]

Are we talking weekend visits here or 30 days over the summer?

If you are talking about an extended visit then I think you are right....if you are talking weekends or one night a week, then I think your stbx and son deserve to have the time uninterupted.

TC

[alamom]

We have 50/50 custody. One week at mom's, one week at dad's all year long. ALso, he is not a stbx, he is an ex of 7 years, remarried with 3 other children.

[TC]

I missed the 50/50 part...which obviously changes the scenario.

Based on that information, I would say your giving him a cell so that he can call you is not unreasonable...so long as he doesn't do it all the time.  On the other hand, having been on the other end, when my children used to come visit during the summer (we lived in diff states) and she would give the kids a phone card...they would feel like they had to call her all the time...thus cutting into my time.....kids ended up in the middle and the losers....

There really are no easy answers here.  Still, based on what you have told me, so long as your son is allowed to call you if threatened or in case of an emergency, I don't think you have much recourse...and again, I do not feel like you have grounds for allegations of alienation....at least not based on what you have posted here.  I know that isn't  what you wanted to hear and maybe someone else will have a diff view..but that is the way I see it.....

TC

[m_t]

I suspect TC's pretty much right. Dad can have a "no cell phone" rule at his house, and that doesn't make it alienation.

[CollegeDad]

In a 50/50 situation, you are going to want to work with your son's dad as much as you possibly can because more and more expenses are coming down the road as your son enters High School and starts driving a car.  Try to avoid letting disagreements dominate your relationship with the father and work more toward agreements as much as possible.  You are going to want to work together to get your son a car and keep it maintained and insured.  You are going to want to work together to support your son's activities in high school such as sports or extra curricular.  If you can maintain a cordial and amicable relationship through all of this then you will be well on your way to working together on your son's college needs.

To take the child out of the middle of this situation and out of a need to offer an explanation, you might call dad and reassure him that you were certainly not encouraging your son to sneak around behind his father's back to call you and that you would never do that to him.  You can also tell him that you would have never sent a cell phone over if you'd have thought that it was going to be a problem and you certainly apologize for not talking to him about that first.  Then you might point out that it was never going to be at any expense out of his pocket and that most kids your son's age have them.  And your son is always calling you on the other kids phones so you figured that he might as well have one of his own.  You also might point out that you have no problem if your son calls dad on it when he is with you and you would like to know if he would extend any tolerance for allowing your son to call you while he is over there say after 9 PM or when he is not busy with dad and the rest of the family.

I don't know but the iissue may be that dad is afraid he is going to have to buy the other 3 kids their own cell phone if your son shows up with one.  The bottom line is you were trying to do something good for your son and you want to understand why dad didn't go along with it.  Finally you might remind dad that when your son starts driving that you are going to want him to carry a cell phone with him at all times.  This just makes good sense.  In fact, you might insist that your son be allowed to bring his cell phone over there for emergency use only if dad is hard over about your son not talking to you on it.  You can tell him that he will keep it turned off but that you will feel better knowing that he has one with him at all times. 

In the end, you never want to put your son in the middle of a disagreement between you and dad.  If dad doesn't agree then drop it. 

If dad lives outside of your son's school district then you are in the stronger position to seek full custody of your son.  If too many more disagreements mount between you and dad, then the resolution will most likely lead to a modification of the divorce decree.  You have to weigh the cost benefit if it comes to that.  You have until your son is 19 in the state of Alabama to decide. 

I had a 50/50 custody arrangement with my son since he was in first grade.  My son's mom went to live in another county when my son turned 15.  When he got his driver's license and a car of his own, he moved in with me full time.  He wasn't about to change schools and go to another school in the middle of high school.  The amicable relationship that I had with my son's mom transformed into more of a distant uninvolved relationhip on the part of mom.  I suspect her new love interest was threatened by me but I was never sure.  I felt I had to modify the divorce decree and go for full custody when mom did not support my son's high school activities 50/50 with me.  I did receive a favorable judgment on the matter but in the end it seems to be coming out about the same benefit as it cost me to pursue it.  I'm still assessing the end result. 

So, you'll need to decide whether this is important enough to go to war over.  Just remember, things are going to be changing very rapidly as your son goes from middle school to high school and starts driving.  Dad may not want the distraction of a cell phone today but that may change sooner than you think.  Sometimes issues have a way of being over come by events.  You don't want to make a big deal out of something that is going to eventually be over come by events. 

[alamom]

Thanks to everyone for your input. I am just gonna let it go. I have learned over the years not to sweat the small stuff with my ex. His sole purpose in life is to try and make me as miserable as possible, especially when he knows there is nothing I can do about it. So the best thing for me to do is to just not give in to that. My son asked me to speak to his dad for him about bringing the phone to his house and I told him that I would ask, but if that was one of his dad's rules, then we have to respect that.
My son is smart, he knows what his dad is doing. He knows he is using him to get to me and my ex will come to regret that.

[m_t]

Sadly, that's what it will come to.