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Author Topic: My Story - Wife Committed Adultery  (Read 15562 times)
hammy
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Posts: 21


« on: December 17, 2009, 03:43:47 PM »

To make a long story short - my wife committed adultery last year with a neighbor.  I want to share the whole story, however, and would love to hear any feedback.  It has been trying to say the least (though I am sure that there are many here who have far more to share).

The affair took place in summer 2008, and they still kept in contact until the day in May 2009 that I found out.  My wife says they have had no contact since, and that she has only seen him once since May while driving through the neighborhood. 

The affair was mostly via email, with only 2 actual meetings I am told - one at his house and one at my house. 

Now and since well before the affair, I have worked full time while my wife stayed home with our 2 young children (one of whom is disabled).  At the time of the affair, my wife had a light part time job 2-3 evenings a week.  Now and since before last summer I have worked at home a couple days a week, because I can.  We have a disabled child, and the addition of another child has been burdensome to my wife, so my working from home has been a blessing. 

Last year in May, my wife was approached by another neighbor collecting email addresses for a neighborhood party.  We wouldn't be able to make the party because we took a week's vacation in the Outer Banks, but my wife's email remained on the party list.  Another neighbor apparently recognized my wife's email and began to email her.  Things really picked up on email and they began to flirt and conversation turned more explicit - they spoke in ways that my wife and I do not.  He also sent nude photos and actually claimed to have a one-footer (good for him).  I can't understand why people say this is just an emotional thing for my wife, rather than physical, when it is clear there was never any emotional attachment whatsoever.... 

By the end of June, one day when I was at work, he came over to my house and he and my wife sat there in my living room discussing his privates with my 5 year old daughter only a few feet away watching tv.  He then excused himself, used the toilet, then invited my wife over to see - apparently nothing further happened as she told him they couldn't do anything with my daughter there.  He left and emailed her almost immediately saying that they should just remain friends. 

We left the next day for a short family beach trip.  We were there for a few days, came back, then went away for another night or two to visit my in-laws.  We came back home on the fourth of July - at that time, they resumed emailing and it got very heavy apparently - they were trying to set up meetings, she invited him out to a happy hour, they talked sex positions and she shared intimate details about her own genitalia and what it could do.  Finally, on July 16, he emailed her inviting her over while I was at work.  So she took our 2 children and walked around the corner to his house.  She entered with the children, and she put on a tv show for the kids and proceeded to follow him to his bathroom to give him a bj.  She left shortly after, but apparently miffed, she emailed him later that day complaining that she thought there was a little bit of "give and take" and she wanted her part of the fun.  He didn't respond.  The following week, she sent him another email "joking" about how she felt like Monica Lewinsky because she left with a big stain on her shirt.  Emails of a much more appropriate nature began in the fall and continued sporadically until May 2009 when I found out.

I am not sure how I found out, but in March of this year, I began to feel or suspect something weird - I can't explain it.  Then my wife joined facebook and it appeared to me that she was acting oddly with some old male friends from high school - she really wasn't but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was up.  I know my wife's password for email, and I checked it in April, when I noticed a long string of conversational emails with the neighbor.  Though there was nothing incriminating in the emails I saw, for my wife to converse so openly with any male that I don't know is out of the norm.  So I confronted her - after several hours of fighting, she admitted to a handj**.  I was irate and left for several days.  She continued to stick to that story for several months until I found the July 16 2008 email from her complaining about not getting her part of the give and take. 

This was this August, and this past September, I ran into the guy in the neighborhood.  He asked me how I was doing so I took the opportunity to let him know.  I didn't threaten anything or call him names, but I did ask him what it was like to destroy a perfectly good family.  His wife heard some of this and came out to defend him - she said they are from the South and they are just friendly and sometimes the husband emails women just to be friendly.  I didn't expect the wife to be present, but since she was, I felt I needed gently to point out that the husband did send emails, and they talked of genitals and sex positions.  That was enough for her - she went inside and cried.  I berated the jerk for a couple more minutes and left.  They hashed the whole thing out over that weekend and they are now in counseling (as are we).  Incidentally, he came by our house after that weekend - he called me outside and when I went, I noticed he was crying and he apologized profusely.  I let him continue for maybe 10 minutes or so - I was in shock - then we had a brief conversation - most importantly, I just wanted to know if he was going to do anything desperate and he said no. 

I have confronted my wife on numerous occasions since May, and I have upset her as well - I have been at times obsessed about the affair, her intentions, etc.  But I have let off a lot of steam and I am much more relaxed.  This stirred up the household for a while and it even affected the kids, sorry to say.  But things have cooled and I have cooled down.  I cant say I am disappointed that the jerk's wife knows about this, and that may have helped me.  But I am left to wonder why my wife would do this - I never suspected she could do this, and bring our kids along - she must have been desperate to get over there.  The unprotected sex thing bothers me too.  I love my family, my daughters especially, but my wife has changed me and our marriage forever.  I understand temptation - I have been tempted before - but I thought the idea was to resist it if you love someone.  The sad thing to me is she says this is the first time a guy has openly hit on her since I started dating her (15 years ago today).  This was to me her first opportunity to assert her love for me and she declined. 

I don't know what I am going to do.  The affair is done - he's got his own issues now.  (I guess I have my own issues too - his truck has antlers and a red nose to celebrate Christmas, and it really pisses me off.)  I just am so disappointed and somewhat disgusted that I still have to deal with this.  I should probably stay married - she wants no one else apparently and has been deeply apologetic - but now I am not sure I want this.  If you have read this far, thank you.
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ResetDad
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« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2009, 04:22:04 PM »

Hey Hammy,
Sorry you found this forum, but welcome anyway.

Nobody has any real answers for you, how you go forward from here is between you and your wife.  Don't worry about the neighbor guy, like you said he's got his own issues and your wife is the one who broke your trust, not him.  I agree that from you've written, it sounds more like a physical affair than an emotional affair? I'm not sure that makes a huge difference though in the long run.

Can the marriage be repaired? ... maybe ... it will be a lot of work though for sure
Is the marriage worth the effort of trying? ... only you and her can answer that
Divorce sucks and is hard on the kids ... remember to think of their best interests also

My recommendation???  If she seems truly repentant, not just sorry she got caught, then keep trying.  Everyone makes mistakes ... we all trip-up, just over different things.  Sometimes we just need some help and a second chance.  Just my opinion ... and that ain't worth much.

Best of luck to you as you work through this mess ~
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slugbait
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« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2009, 04:45:34 PM »

Quote
I should probably stay married - she wants no one else apparently and has been deeply apologetic - but now I am not sure I want this.

First of all, Ham, welcome to HEO. You will find all sorts of advice regarding your situation, and none of it by experts  Wink, you should know that going in. But you will find that for every situation, there is likely someone here who has been there and got the T-shirt.  I'm sorry that you, and your wife, are in the situation that you now face, but I hope that here you will fing not only advice from many perspectives, but also compassion and the encouragement to hope for the best possible outcome....for both of you.

I am curious about "I should probably stay married..",  Why do you feel this is true...I'm not saying I disagree, on the contrary....but I'm curious about the "probably", as opposed to "I want to stay married", or "I can't stay married ...".  Trust, once broken, is hard to regain....but it is certainly not impossible.  By "probably", can we assume that you do still love your wife ?  Are you willing to work past this and give her the opportunity to understand, and deal with what allowed her to behave this way ?  I think a key question for me to know the answer to, is whether she is "appologetic" out real remorse, or because she got caught and doesn't want you to leave. It sounds like you are the primary bread winner, so is her show of remorse about more than losing that ?  You both need to work through this with as much honesty, and Grace, as you can muster......find the right counselor to help you find answers to these questions.  I feel, and many will agree, that divorce should be the very last option on your list....only apporpriate if all else fails.  Your emotional response to this is understandable, and justified....but you may need to put some of that on the shelf for now in order to make the right decisions for your future relationship.

Bottom line, Ham, is that people make mistakes in marriage....and it is very seldom a one way street in that regard.....but for your marriage to survive, you both need to understand what was/is missing that led to this happening......and at some point, you will need to be able to extend grace and forgiveness to her, otherwise, this will always stand between you.  I wish you both the best of luck in moving forward in a positive direction.

Sluggo
« Last Edit: December 17, 2009, 04:47:10 PM by Sluggo » Logged
Bofemus
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« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2009, 04:47:38 PM »

It's time to reflect on your marriage as a whole, without the blinders on.  The reasons you first got married, what's compatible and what isn't, who has been there for who, in what ways, how often, and why.  ("Why" is only simple if you make it simple... "Because I love him/her" doesn't suffice as an answer if someone has been letting themselves get trampled on or taken advantage of.)

Many times, people stray in marriage because they felt neglected or ignored, or trapped and abused.  I'm not defending adultry, just saying that it's extremely rare that that sort of thing happens for "no reason".  Should they have communicated their sadness, fears or concerns, or perhaps just ended the marriage, instead of cheating?  In a perfect world, sure.  Things are rarely that simple.

Honestly assess the very fabric of your marriage before this transgression took place.  If it's something that you would have striven for, worked towards and defended with every bit of your heart and soul... then it's something worth trying to save.  The more you have to pause and reflect when answering that question, the more divorce might be the right course of action, for both of you, AND your children.  Children are better off being raised in two separate households than within a loveless farce of a marriage, or worse yet, one where there is regular conflict.

But infidelity CAN be overcome.  It's not common, but it happens, with a great deal of mutual committment.  There are several books that directly address the topic, and individual and couples counseling will be an absolute must.  It sounds like your wife is willing to do what it takes, so the only remaining question is... are you, and do you want to?
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TC
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« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2009, 05:40:02 PM »

Welcome to the board, though I am sorry you had to find us.

I've read your story and there are a couple things that come to mind, but before I go there, I would really be curious to learn what your counselor says about all this and to find out if you go to counseling togeather or separate?

Can you tell us a bit more about your counselling experience?

TC
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Someday
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« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2009, 06:19:42 PM »

hammy,

Nice to meet you...sorry you had to find us.

I'm also reconciling with my husband who had an affair. Easy...no

Will it ever be the same...I can't see that happening either.

However, as Bo mentioned, you have to take a good look at your life...without any love blinders. What do I like about this person? What do I dislike? What do I like about our life together? What might be different with someone else? Sometimes you have to look at the whole package...it is easy to say I should probably stay married...but hard to answer why. And even the whys sometimes seem silly...for the kids, for the lifestyle, for the whatever. But you really do have to look at the whole package.

The trust once broken is difficult to repair. As of today, I can't say the trust I once freely gave my husband will be so easily given again. I don't ever think I will be that person again. However, he is working hard and that is the important part to me. He understands that I'm not the person I used to be and why.

By the way, I think you are so healthy for not blaming yourself. I did that for a long time and still have a tendency to do so.

What are you going to do? You take one day at a time.

Will you stay in your marriage? Who knows? You and she are both there today...might not be tomorrow...do you see what I'm getting at? There are no guarantees in life...but you make the best of today. If you like where you are and you think she is doing what she can to do the right thing and help heal things...then you stay. One counselor told me...hey you can walk away anytime...that was a little freeing for me. Just because I'm here today doesn't mean I have to stay forever. I'm really one of those forever girls...took my vows way seriously...but life isn't about forevers for me anymore. It is just about today.

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The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson
gr1m
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there can be only 1


« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2009, 08:30:11 AM »

cheaters of any sort are pure shit

kick her ass to the curb and throw a coupla footlong ball park franks at her as she's heading out the door

go to your neighbor and tell him he can have her






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Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now...

pp13
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« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2009, 09:41:02 AM »

Have no experience with cheating or cheaters.  You can say how lonely she was or that she loved the attention he gave, et al but only one thing really strikes me as truly sickening... her taking the kids with her while she does the deed.
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Liz
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« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2009, 11:02:13 AM »

Quote
The sad thing to me is she says this is the first time a guy has openly hit on her since I started dating her (15 years ago today).

This jumped out at me because it sounds like the reason she did it was for the validation it gave her as a sexually desirable woman.  Doesn't excuse her indiscretion, but it might be something to explore in counseling if you choose to continue.  It could be her own issues or it could be issues between you two.

Like Someday said, trust is hard to get back once broken, but it can be done.  But both parties have to really want the marriage to work, not based on need, but because of love for the other person.

Do you still love her?  Do you think she's remorseful?

I wish you good luck, hammy.

Liz
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hammy
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« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2009, 04:42:16 PM »

TC

Counseling has been positive in that it has helped me to talk through some things in counseling and outside of counseling with my wife.  It has had a positive effect in that it has helped us to communicate effectively about some very difficult issues.  It has also helped to calm me down.  It is lacking though in that it has sort of led to a conclusion that WE do not or did not communicate effectively when the affair happened.  That is, I have learned that I am actually to blame for this in part.  At our last meeting I stated that I am now dealing with the whole situation in the most realistic way possible, trying to absorb it all, and to look at myself honestly - but no matter how ineffective prior communications were, I fail to see how that weakness would be any basis to justify b***ing the neighbor.  Wife and counselor were a little disappointed that I backtracked and now take no responsibility for affair.  There is some good in all this - I have looked honestly at myself and I know my weaknesses - but I must confess I am a little old fashioned - there are other ways to express dissatisfaction other than an affair... like talking. 
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TC
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« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2009, 04:56:26 PM »

Hammy,

It sounds like counseling has been very thought provoking at the least.

Let me tell you a little story:

About 8 years ago, after fighting hard to do what I thought was right for my children and not making much progress, I reached a point where I felt like a failure.  I felt I had let them down and I didn't have any more fight left in me.  Because of that, I crawled into my virtual man cave, shutting the world out, including my wife.  The longer I stayed in that cave, the more lost I became...so lost, that after a time not only did I not know the way out of my self imposted prison, but no longer wanted to come out.  My dear wife tried like hell for several years to get me to either come out, or let her in...she really didn't care, she only wanted to be a part of my life, communicate....share...but I took for granted that she would always be there and ignored her.

I worked a steady job, provided financially, and did a few chores around the house.  I didn't run around on her, didn't cheat, didn't drink....but I didn't communicate or share my life either.  After several years of this my wife finally reached a point where she tired of trying too....in her mind our relationship was over.....she grieved the death of what might have been and decided to move on by herself...to start over on her own.

The point there is that all she wanted all along was communication....for me to communicate with her and to share....I did not.  In starting her new life over, she met a male friend and started a relationship with him.  She didn't hide it, I knew about it from the start....through everything my wife and I never lost trust.  My wife never lied to me...never.

Anyway, Long story short, we separated for 8 months, I did a lot of soul searching, sought counseling, got my head out of my ass, and eventually we worked our back together and chose to start life over again together...notice I did not say reconcile...

We got back together 4 years ago last Oct.....this past November we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary and rededicated our marriage by buying new wedding rings.

I share this with you to demonstrate that each person in a relationship has responsibility for the condition of that relationship.....good, bad, or indifferant.  Communication is a two way street.

TC
« Last Edit: December 18, 2009, 05:20:47 PM by TC » Logged
allbusiness
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« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2009, 11:59:02 PM »

TC

Counseling has been positive in that it has helped me to talk through some things in counseling and outside of counseling with my wife.  It has had a positive effect in that it has helped us to communicate effectively about some very difficult issues.  It has also helped to calm me down.  It is lacking though in that it has sort of led to a conclusion that WE do not or did not communicate effectively when the affair happened.  That is, I have learned that I am actually to blame for this in part.  At our last meeting I stated that I am now dealing with the whole situation in the most realistic way possible, trying to absorb it all, and to look at myself honestly - but no matter how ineffective prior communications were, I fail to see how that weakness would be any basis to justify b***ing the neighbor.  Wife and counselor were a little disappointed that I backtracked and now take no responsibility for affair.  There is some good in all this - I have looked honestly at myself and I know my weaknesses - but I must confess I am a little old fashioned - there are other ways to express dissatisfaction other than an affair... like talking. 

There is no "justification" for adultery. All it shows is the adulterous spouse's selfishness.

What you learned in counseling is that you had/have a communications issue in the marriage. That issue could have been resolved in this counseling you are getting now without adultery on your wife's part.

You have no responsibility for the affair...that is squarely on your wayward wife's shoulders.

(Side Note - get a new marriage counselor!)
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Wolfy
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« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2009, 12:13:21 AM »

I believe that some of what Allbusiness says is true. The ultimate decision of your wife to commit adultary is on her only. Did you do something to contribute to her making that decision? I don't know. Only you and your conselor would know that. We, including me, sometimes do things that are detrimental to our marriages. Frequently without knowing it. If your counselor works for you, keep going. If you think he/she is off base then get another one.
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chill
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« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2009, 02:57:07 AM »

I agree with both of them..........you didn't do anything to have her do what she did.  maybe you two didn't get along or comunicate, but that does not justify doing what she did and taking her/your kids with her.  You have every right to be angry, but I think it is important that you don't stay angry.  Any counsilor that states you should get over it and not back track is not experienced to know that hell yes you will back track now and then,a nd the best time to do it is in that office.........I mean, the action is devestating, and that part being intimate in a marriage is troubling.  So I think you are doing pretty good.  I do think you need to decide if you truly want this marriage and everything that goes with it.  And if you do.........then I would work real hard at getting it where you want..........but she has to do her part too.......because when it comes down to marriage it does take two, two people with similar goals, wanting to grow old together.......for each other.....If the answer is yes, then do the work, and make sure she is doing the work too........and possibly try different counsilors one that will see both of your sides, and understand both of your sides.

And Grim.........
cheaters of any sort are pure shit

kick her ass to the curb and throw a coupla footlong ball park franks at her as she's heading out the door

go to your neighbor and tell him he can have her








That really was priceless, and good form........tho I did spit my drink all over the puter screen.
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Phoenix
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« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2009, 08:20:04 AM »

  Wife and counselor were a little disappointed that I backtracked and now take no responsibility for affair. 

The nerve of both of them.  Sorry this stuff just doesn't fly with me, it's just part of the typical psychobabble these days that if someone does something wrong, someone else drove them to it.  Baloney.  What ever happened to being an adult and taking full responsibility for your actions.  I think it's very irresponsible for anyone in  the psych community to expect the wronged party to apologize to the one who wronged them. 

If your wife was dissatisfied with your marriage or how she felt about herself, if she was needing validation in some way, it was her responsibility to raise the red flag with you, be as vocal as possible, get all up in your grill so to speak and make her needs clear.  You did not push her to this crappy sordid affair, nor are you responsible for it. 

If she did try to express her needs to you, if you were deaf to them, then yep, there was a problem, but her behavior was not the answer, nor is it excuseable.   Life and marriage are not always easy and we don't always get what we want.  No one ever promised us a rose garden, and in the marriage vows there is no "unless" after the part that says "and forsaking all others".  A commitment is a commitment..  If there were problems, they need to either be worked out, or the marriage needs to be ended, but an affair is not justified. 
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