Is there ever a reason not to practice the 180?

[Harriet]

I have to meet with my stbx regarding some financial and visitation issues tomorrow. I want to let him know that, during visitation, I need him to be gone when he says he is going to be gone. Having him in the house when I get home throws me every time, but I am so awesome at my 180 he thinks everything is peachy and maybe we can be friends now. I am thinking of letting him know where I really am (a bit of a mess) and why I need him never to contact me in the future except through email or texts, and then only in regard to the kids or other important info. I am wondering, if I let him know in a non-emotional way, if I will regret it later. It's so hard to put a finger on what my reasons are for telling him. Am I just wanting an excuse to let him know what he's done, or is this a legitimate reason to break my cool? You guys are so good at seeing through the bullsh** I thought I'd ask for your opinions!

[Wolfy]

I don't see a problem with being honest with him. It's not about hurting him but rather what can be done to make things better for you. I wouldn't get into a lot of detail but I would let him know. I would tell him that when he is there it is disrupting your thoughts which is making moving forward more difficult. Besides, shouldn't you get alone time with the kids? Without him interfering?.

[DrDoo]

All depends on the point of the 180.
The 180 was originally intended as a way of making a straying or leaving spouse think twice on the matter.
If that is your reason for doing the 180 then, yes revealing to him the way you really feel kind of defeats the whole purpose of the matter.
Then on the other hand if you are doing the 180 for some other reason and I personally fail to see what other reason there is for a 180 then go ahead and tell him but again it voids the whole purpose of the 180 to start with.

[Bosco]

Yeah, I guess I understand the theoretical point of the whole 180 thing....act aloof and uncaring that he/she is cheating on you and they will want to come back...or something like that. While acting all needy and weepy will just make them run away faster. I am sure this approach works in some situations, or at the very least, helps the left feel stronger and more confident....which I think is a good thing. But I think it can become kind of a game at times, as well. Or, just a way to act out "2 can play at that game". Perhaps I am being unjustly skeptical.

I think the bottom line, Harriet, is to be sure of what your motivation is for taking on this approach. And be honest with yourself if it is working for you (whatever that means). If you feel like there is a chance, or even a desire, to be friends at some point after all this is dealt with....even if it's just for the sake of the kids.....be careful about taking this attitude to the extreme. Be business like, but polite. If you need space from him (you do), tell him that and that he needs to respect that right now. Being friends, if that's even doable, can come later.

Ok, how many times have i contradicted myself here...I count 2.....

[Harriet]

Wow, I guess I never really got the 180 thing. I was looking at it as a way of distancing myself from my stbx by making sure we did not continue with a personal connection, therefore making it harder to move on. My thought was that the more I shared with my ex the more I would feel some sort of attachment or hope of reconciliation. Sort of the opposite of it's intention! The funny part is, it seems to be working that way for me - creating that distance and helping me move forward.

[Ros]

Oh, I think it's all of the above, including the way you're looking at it, Harriet.

To me, the 180 is about regaining some control in your life. You have a plan mapped out and then someone else turns it around so that plan will no longer happen. Your life, as you know, takes a completely different path and you had no say in it whatsoever. The most destabilising events in people's lives happen when something entirely out of their control takes place.

So by doing the 180, you're getting back in the driver's seat with your own future. You're attempting to regain some of that control by the choices you make. You can't control their decision making, but you can certainly control how you react to it....and let's face it, emotional teary "I love you and miss you so much" lines never really look like a person in "control".

People, including straying spouses, want to feel needed and missed. It drives their egos and they love to be able to say "I can get her back anytime I want". That way, as they're unbonding, they know if they ever need the old security, they have their backup plan. Take their backup plan away, and they begin to see that they're not in the driver's seat as much as they thought they were. And THAT'S the small window of opportunity for them to wake up to what's going on around them.

So it's a bit of both. There's a small chance they might want to come back, but by separating yourself emotionally, there's an equal chance that you won't even care. Win/win ;-)

[InDenial]

I have to meet with my stbx regarding some financial and visitation issues tomorrow. I want to let him know that, during visitation, I need him to be gone when he says he is going to be gone. Having him in the house when I get home throws me every time, but I am so awesome at my 180 he thinks everything is peachy and maybe we can be friends now. I am thinking of letting him know where I really am (a bit of a mess) and why I need him never to contact me in the future except through email or texts, and then only in regard to the kids or other important info. I am wondering, if I let him know in a non-emotional way, if I will regret it later. It's so hard to put a finger on what my reasons are for telling him. Am I just wanting an excuse to let him know what he's done, or is this a legitimate reason to break my cool? You guys are so good at seeing through the bullsh** I thought I'd ask for your opinions!

My opinion is that you can (and should) stand up for yourself and assert your right to privacy in your own home.
 
My suggestion would be to calmly tell him, "I would like you to be gone before I get home." If he asks why, you can state (again calmly) "I'm not comfortable having you there when I am there."  If he tries to debate further, simply cut off discussion with, "I'm not comfortable with it and my feeling are not up for debate."

I would also tell him (calmly) that you would like to conduct all communication by email or txt, unless it's an emergency.

However, I would NOT tell him what he should talk/txt/email you about.  My opinion is that this can be seen as an attempt to control another person.  Rather, I suggest you IGNORE any emails or txts about topics other than divorce and the children.  Just don't respond. You control what you do. If you are talking with him and he brings up a "social" topic, you just say, "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you and I have to go now. Bye."

My opinion is that it's healthy to detach yourself from him.  Avoiding "friend" talk is appropriate when dealing with someone you don't want to be friends with.  And that's why I would recommend AGAINST initiating a discussion about "why" you are doing the 180.  You don't discuss your feelings with people who aren't your friends, do you?

[Bosco]

Wow, I guess I never really got the 180 thing. I was looking at it as a way of distancing myself from my stbx by making sure we did not continue with a personal connection, therefore making it harder to move on. My thought was that the more I shared with my ex the more I would feel some sort of attachment or hope of reconciliation. Sort of the opposite of it's intention! The funny part is, it seems to be working that way for me - creating that distance and helping me move forward.

I think the attitude you have about the "180" is Tottally appropriate and a good strategy, regardless of what it was intended for. While I always advocate leaving the door open for some kind of cordial relationship down the road, right now creating distance and beginning the process of detaching emotionally is exactly what you should be doing. If "doing the 180" is helping you create that distance and  helping you deal with all this, then keep doing it. Who cares what the author intended it to be for. I think you are on a very healthy track, H.

[Ann Marie]

Harriet...

How did your therapy go today?


I'd like to suggest something we used to suggest here.

Start focusing on you. Even if he's still in the house, start re-arranging the rooms. Paint the rooms the colors YOU want them. Pretend he isn't even there. Don't ask his opinion on any colors or where to position ur furniture.

Start writing down things YOU used to enjoy doing before u 2 met. Do a bucket list sorta thing on what you'd like to do for YOU first. It could be anything from changing the color of your hair to taking bubble baths 3 times a week with a book and glass of wine. It doesn't matter what it is, just as long as it's something YOU want to do for yourself.

(((HUGS)))

[Harriet]

I met with him. He asked how I was doing and I told him the truth (starting therapy, sleep meds, deciding if I want to try anti-anxiety & depression meds). Then I asked, "How are you?" He said, "Better than you." My heart just sank and I was so sorry I opened up to him. The rest of the discussion about the kids and finances, I hardly heard anything he said. Even worse, I have to text him to change what we agreed on for visitation, and he was offering financial help I probably could have used, but I was too hurt to accept it. I did tell him to be gone when he said he would be, don't come in the house when he's dropping the kids off, communticate only thru email and text. I had ordered wine and it hadn't arrived yet. I asked if there was anything else he wanted to talk about and he said no, he'd take care of the wine, and I left. Now I feel like I took 3 giant steps backwards. I feel horrible. I am so sad.

[Bosco]

I'm sorry it didn't go better, Harriet......this can be such a shitty business. But, you got thru it and you were honest. You can't blame yourself because he's an ass. Pick yourself up and put your game face back on.
You're going to have many opportunities to show him how well you're doing in the days and weeks to come....and you Will get there.

[AKA Betsy Braddock]

Ouch!

From now on, your answer to "How are you doing?"

is: "Fantastic!"

It's the truth - start believing it and see what happens.

[Aim]

Now I feel like I took 3 giant steps backwards. I feel horrible. I am so sad.

Remember you will feel better tomorrow (24 hr rule)

You actually handled it well - You brought the focus back to topics that you needed to address and then left- good for you!

[Wolfy]

Here is the problem with this, and I include myself in this also. We have turned divorce into a competition. Who is doing better? Who starts a new relationship first? Who hurts the most? I now can see that that isn't the way to look at this. We are all individuals who deal with things differently, again for emphasis, DIFFERENTLY. Not better or worse. We all deal with things in our own good time. Ok, you were honest with him and he was honest with you. If you didn't want to know you should never have asked the question. From the sound of how your meeting went he sounds like he is trying to be pretty nice to you. He offerred you money and agreed to your requests.

And by the way, just because he says he is doing better than you doesn't mean he really is. He could be fibbing, he could percieve that he is better off but in reality isn't, he could be doing better today and terrible tomorrow. I suggest, Harriet, that you just be the great gal you are and keep getting better along with the back slides that go with it, and let him take care of himself. You worry about making you better and don't think about him and how well or bad he is doing.

If 2 people decide to climb a mountain and one person does it in 2 days and the other person does it in 3 days, is one climber really better than the other? Didn't both climbers reach their goals? The top of the mountain is a new, fun, happy life, just keep reaching for it.

[Bosco]

You are wise, O Wolfy One.......