Is there ever a reason not to practice the 180?

[Harriet]

You are wise, O Wolfy One.......

Yes, you are, and you help me to see things from different angles.

[allbusiness]

Harriett - now you have a valuable lesson under your belt. Opening up with feelings to a STBX does *not* make you feel better, but normally the opposite.

Keep up with the 180...it gets easier with time.

(((((HUGS))))) and sorry you are hurting.

[livealittle]

here's the thing about telling someone you are in an adversarial relationship with how much they've hurt you and disrupted your life, what good does that do you?

why should you expect someone who ran over you with a steamroller to come back and check on you? (someone else on here said it this way)

remember your stbx doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I'm sorry you had to find this out the hard way. (((((hugs))))) here's to a better today than you had yesterday and a better tomorrow than you will have today.

[InDenial]

I did tell him to be gone when he said he would be, don't come in the house when he's dropping the kids off, communticate only thru email and text.

You stood up for yourself and stated what you needed.  Give yourself a pat on the back for that. 

The emotional detachment will come.  I can tell you're going to be all right, because you are being proactive: seeing a doctor, practicing the 180, talking to us.

[andinthend]

InD's right. Time will come when you know you are in the right place. That's the time to begin to think about relaxing 180. It's a challenge and I certainly don't always nail this - but the common thread you see here - about getting to a place where you can begin to forgive? It's a good place to try to get to.

IMO? 180 is a tool. Pick it up when you need it. But don't forget there are other tools too. Base your life insofar as you can, on things like love, kindness and forgiveness. You'll reach a point where you will feel sorry for the less fortunate folks in your life, (read that however you like), that ran out of those essentials...

Just don't rush it. For now, it's about you. 

[allbusiness]

Wow, I guess I never really got the 180 thing. I was looking at it as a way of distancing myself from my stbx by making sure we did not continue with a personal connection, therefore making it harder to move on. My thought was that the more I shared with my ex the more I would feel some sort of attachment or hope of reconciliation. Sort of the opposite of it's intention! The funny part is, it seems to be working that way for me - creating that distance and helping me move forward.

The 180 is to distance yourself from a STBX, give yourself time to get stronger, allow your emotions to cool...and to just retrain your thinking to not care so much about this other person who is/was in your life.

[Cam]

here's the thing about telling someone you are in an adversarial relationship with how much they've hurt you and disrupted your life, what good does that do you?

why should you expect someone who ran over you with a steamroller to come back and check on you? (someone else on here said it this way)

remember your stbx doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I'm sorry you had to find this out the hard way. (((((hugs))))) here's to a better today than you had yesterday and a better tomorrow than you will have today.

They will put us in postions or situations that in the beginning you will fall for.  In those times you will be you, the you, u were with them.  Now and in the near future you can't be that person anymore.  That person's life has been altered and they have to adapt.  When you get placed in a situation where they can compare you with them, they will win.  They want to win. They need to win.  They have to be in charge and control.  By setting you up, taking advantage of the situation and cutting you down in any little way they can, they feel stronger and more justified.  So screwed up and there are those of us who just can't believe it or get it. 

Took me forever.  How could someone who loved me screw me over and grin about it?  I just knew it had to be me.  Embarassed and needy and weak and 'how am I ever going to cope' feeling.  OOOOO it was awful.   I bunched up, picked up my petticoat and put on a sexy sweater, makeup, hair done really nice and every time I saw him after I figured out his life sucking games.  I made sure I never presented 'needy' or 'weak' again. 

Oh baby let me tell you I was weak, needy, scared, confused, crushed, mangled and just plain gone.  Crazy gone.   He never knew it and to this day still does/will not ever know how lost I was.   That is where I drew my strength.  When my 'give a damn' was gone for so long, years, it was a dangerous place to be and not a game to play.  It was life and I really didn't 'give a damn'.   Just like the song 'when everthings gone, nothing matters'.  If it hadn't been for my daughter needing me, I don't think I'd be here today. 

Its sooo hard to play games when you've never played games before.   Yet for your emotional survival and to move forward towards a happier lfe, you need to do what you can to keep surviving. 

You are doing well and you are taking steps forward.  One moment at a time you make the choices that are best for you and if you screw up 'never' let him know it was about him.  You can always be a bit breathless and blushing and 'confused'....  oooo who is making her loose her focus on me?? 

Even the ones who still care can't hold our hands or be our moral support until we get strong enough to stand on our own.   

[Someday]

Hi Harriett,

I don't know your story. I haven't dropped by for a while. But your question caught my attention.

In my opinion, the 180 is like AA for an alcoholic. It is a way to get clean and sober and focus on yourself. It allows you to disengage and step back. Sometimes the other person will do an emotional dance trying to get you to react, but if you can stay strong (easier said than done) it helps you.

BTW....just from his immature response, "better than you"....I don't like him. What? Was it a contest? Does he think he's winning?

One of my favorite responses to any type of those questions was, "Why do you want to know?"

Again, I don't know your story, but you mention children. I think it would be cautious to be very careful about telling him anything about your emotional stability, medications, sleeplessness, depression or anything like that. Just my two cents.

[Harriet]

Thank you everyone. You all have good advice, and Someday, you are right about not giving him anything to use against me with the children. I don't think he would do that, be he sure surprised me before with all the things he was doing behind my back! I have no reason to trust him now. I can't wait for the day when I am not "practicing" the 180 anymore - when it just is what it is. I have seen and spoken to him a few times recemtly - each time it was avoidable and my own fault...I guess I fell off the wagon! Time to get back on. Sigh. No rest for the weary (or was it wicked??).

[New Chapter]

Thank you everyone. You all have good advice, and Someday, you are right about not giving him anything to use against me with the children. I don't think he would do that, be he sure surprised me before with all the things he was doing behind my back! I have no reason to trust him now. I can't wait for the day when I am not "practicing" the 180 anymore - when it just is what it is. I have seen and spoken to him a few times recemtly - each time it was avoidable and my own fault...I guess I fell off the wagon! Time to get back on. Sigh. No rest for the weary (or was it wicked??).

You're doing very well from what I can gather...

[Bosco]

Well, after 3 years of separation/divorce, I have found that when you have kids and property together contact is pretty hard to avoid altogether. I think you just need to practice seeing him as no longer relevant to your life except as a co-parent. Easier said than done, I know....and no contact is better in the long run....but for the times you must occupy the same space, I think the attitude that has served me best is one of polite disinterest in anything to do with them. Which, I think, is consistant with the 180 thing.

Like anything that requires practice, you're not always going to be successful at showing that disinterest....that's ok, Harriet. You're going to have many opportunities to succeed.    I think you're doing great so far. 

[Harriet]

This is an old thread, but I wanted to go back to it to thank Someday. My stbx came by the house to give me tax returns etc. He asked, "How are you doing?" Well, having been burned by that question the last time he asked it, I got pretty flustered. Then I recalled what Someday said, and I replied, "Why are you asking me that?" (Not word for word what Someday suggested, but in the same spirit). It was his turn to get flustered. He left quickly after that.

[Someday]

Your welcome!

Good job.