Newbie from Alabama

[Bosco]

LF,
I was writing you a lengthy PM earlier today, but my phone died before I could hit send....Arrrgggg!    I guess I need to plug the damn thing in once in a while....

Anyway,
I just wanted to say that, like Wolfy I'm sure, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

In a nutshell, my wife has wanted to divorce for many years (14 or so).  She has told me that repeatedly, and I have always responded with "lets get counseling, I can make changes, etc".  And we did seek counseling and I have made changes, but she still is unhappy and wants out. 

This....although I didn't really know that she wanted to leave until she had all but left already (as in, involved with someone new.... )  But I knew for a long time that things weren't great, that I continued to be one kind of disappointment or other. Instead of becoming whatever it was that she seemed to expect of me (still not sure what that was...), I just kept building her bigger and better homes...trying in vain to make her proud of me somehow.   Needless to say, it didn't work. And now I'm stuck with a house I can't afford to keep, and no one will buy right now. 
I digress....
My point is, even though I am, and have been, very cognizent of my many faults.....I tried really hard to measure up and failed. It seems like you might be feeling that way a little. I spent a great deal of time convinced that this was all my fault, that I was somehow defective beyond hope and that I alone ruined everybody's life.......ok, that's a littel overly dramatic, but you get my point.  I am finally realizing that taking on the blame is misguided and untrue. Like you, I certainly played a part and could have doone some things better....but I am not responsible for the fact that she lives in a constant state of disappointment...always has. I see that now.

You, my friend, are not responsible for your wife's unhappiness. If she chooses to leave and do her own thing, you need to let her....but you don't need to carry the weight of her choices on your shoulders.  In the early stages of this crap, I really struggled with this. I had to re-learn the importance of Truth and Grace. Accepting the truth that I'm not perfect, but allowing God's Grace to give me the hope and strength I needed to start over. This process is going to suck....for a lot of reasons....some that haven't even occured to you yet......but, always leave room for hope in every struggle you encounter.....you'll find there is ample reason for it.

I hope that helps a little......I've been wanting to say a bunch of things since you logged on here, but haven't been near a computer until now....so I may have blown you up....lol.....sorry....

Anyway, hang in there...things will get better, I give you my solemn oath on that....

Mike....um, I mean The Spectre......

[chill]

That was beautiful Mike.....spec..... Your exes loss is our gain..........and next time I am out your way, be prepared. lol

[Harriet]

Back to the mediator thing: my stbx and I did everything through mediation without any personal lawyers, but you do have to be able to agree on everything. If your wife has a lawyer, though, maybe it would be good to get someone on your side.

Sorry you are going through this. I mentally high fived all of those who said they were homebodies and shy. That's me (and the exact opposite of my stbx)! I have only a few friends, but they are very close, and they have carried me a lot of the way. One of the blessings in all of this mess is finding out just how much people cared about me. This has really changed who I am in such a short time...for one thing, in order to keep busy, I get out a lot more and found that I do have fun and exciting things I can do without my stbx. Surprised myself!

[lookingforward]

Thanks, all!

I am not sure mediation is needed.  So far, we seem to be agreeing on everything.  I think she wants out so bad, she will agree to anything reasonable I put out there.
She has an attorney, and he is working up a draft settlement agreement on what we have shared so far.  I met with my attorney yesterday, and he wouldnt even take a retainer.  He said, unless things blow up, it will only be a few hours to do all the forms documenting the settlement agreement she and I are doing well on so far.

Spectre, the words you say really ring true with me.  She is disappointed in me, our kids, her job about everything. I am at a loss why, I often feel like she deliberately wants to be unhappy and have conflict?!? I am the only one she can take it out on, it seems - she cant blame her staff, clients, or the kids.  I shouldn't pin all her disappointment and unhappiness on myself.  I love her, and I love the idea of what I thought our marriage was (but in reality it isn't happy like I thought).  


I dread us telling the kids.  She wants to wait until school is out.  She expects to close on a new house by then as well.  If they ask "why?" I think I may just break down!

I keep telling myself, just take it day by day. Thanks again to everyone for listening and offering encouragement!  How do y'all keep the trolls off this board?

[AKA Betsy Braddock]

It will get better and you will be much better off the rest of your life not living with someone who doesn't want you.

When you get past the split and on your own, surround yourself with people who like what you like, who do what you do, who enjoy what you enjoy. You have a wonderful life out there ready to live - don't be the old ball and chain to her or to yourself.

And your kids will want to hang with you when you make your world a happy place to live in.

[lookingforward]

It will get better and you will be much better off the rest of your life not living with someone who doesn't want you.
 

Thanks, AKA.  Rational mind knows you're absolutely right.
I need to remind myself that my vision of what we had is not what we really had.  I am greiving the loss of something that didn't truly exist - a loving, supportive relationship.
But even knowing that's true doesn't erase the fear of the future and shame of failing.

[allbusiness]

It will get better and you will be much better off the rest of your life not living with someone who doesn't want you.
 

Thanks, AKA.  Rational mind knows you're absolutely right.
I need to remind myself that my vision of what we had is not what we really had.  I am greiving the loss of something that didn't truly exist - a loving, supportive relationship.
But even knowing that's true doesn't erase the fear of the future and shame of failing.

Looking - In what way did you fail? Sounds to me like the failure wasn't on you, as your spouse doesn't sound like she tried at all to make it work. Can I ask if you had children when she first asked for divorce so many years ago? Why did you stay then?

Sorry you find yourself here, but it is a good place when going through thise process. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

[AKA Betsy Braddock]

If you never fail, what do you learn?

If you believe in a fantasy, how do you know what is real?


Beating yourself up will take you down, and we want you to pick yourself up. Move on, friend, and build a better life.

[lookingforward]

Looking - In what way did you fail? Sounds to me like the failure wasn't on you, as your spouse doesn't sound like she tried at all to make it work. Can I ask if you had children when she first asked for divorce so many years ago? Why did you stay then?
[/quote]

I feel like I failed in really looking and caring about what she needed.  I tried to help her be happy, but I still came up short.  I feel like I am failing the kids in giving them an intact home.  I should have been more attentive and a stronger leader in the family.  Maybe none of that would have mattered, but still I feel feelings of remorse and shame over it all falling apart.   I wouldn't say she didn't try to make it work, but I suppose her heart wasn't really in it, so her efforts only went so far.  I can't blame her and just brush off my own shortcomings in the collapse.

The first time she wanted divorce we did not have kids.  She had a prolonged affair, and we even separated for six months or so.  But back then, and ever since then, I have been available to her to reconcile and come back to.  Then the first kid came.  And within a year she wanted to divorce.  Counseling sessions and marriage retreats.  Then second baby.  The second one had emotional and behavioral issues that dominated the family for years (better now).  And during that stress, she wanted to divorce.  Counseling and changes again.  Then a surprise third baby! 

Why did I stay the first time and all these other times?  I guess because I love her and I wanted to avoid all these feelings I am having now - fear, anxiety, shame, lonliness.  I just was delaying the inevitable.  And I knew it then.  I haven't had any sense of security with her for fourteen years.  All thats different now is I think I have had enough, but thats probably just a fake brave face.  If she asks to reconcile (which I seriously doubt she will), I probably would give it a shot.  Stupid, I know.

[Wolfy]

Just because u think u did things to her doesn't mean she thinks the same way. Also, none of that should cause her to have an affair. That decision is on her. I would not worry about what you did. It doesn't matter at this point and is counter productive. Now is the time for you to decide what things you want to carry forward in the next possible relationship and what don't you. Change yourself and move forward

I would suggest that when you talk to your kids about this that yoube as strong as you can. When we told our kids none of us cried and the accepted it pretty well but if you start to cry it will cause them to be sad and affraid and they don't need that. You have to show them that you are strong and confident and that they have nothing to fear.

[livealittle]

her happiness is not your responsibility.

your happiness is your responsibility.

and you may never understand why or what ____you/her/whomever____ did wrong, but here's the great thing - you don't have to. you only have to move on. you don't have to understand why or how could she or why wasn't this enough or why arent' I enough. you don't have to understand any of that. you only have to understand that your marriage is over and you need to move on.

get to work healing yourself. find other things to do. find other people to help - soup kitchen, elderly, etc. makes things seem not too bad in your own world.

[lookingforward]

her happiness is not your responsibility.

your happiness is your responsibility.

and you may never understand why or what ____you/her/whomever____ did wrong, but here's the great thing - you don't have to. you only have to move on. you don't have to understand why or how could she or why wasn't this enough or why arent' I enough. you don't have to understand any of that. you only have to understand that your marriage is over and you need to move on.

get to work healing yourself. find other things to do. find other people to help - soup kitchen, elderly, etc. makes things seem not too bad in your own world.

Thanks, Livalittle!  Great advice, and I totally agree.  I don't mean to create a pity party for myself. 

I am very lucky for the things in my life, and how I anticipate this divorce to go.  I live a blessed life.

I am posting all the crappy feelings I am having on this board not with the idea of wallowing in it, but more like expelling it like a toxin from my body.   I want to get it all out instead of internalizing it. 

I actually feel more hopeful than my posts indicate.  I really need to post my postive thoughts to reinforce them just like I am posting the negative thoughts to expel the crap.  And you guys really are helping me do that!

[livealittle]

and that's a good thing to do. plenty of us have vented on here. I've been here just about forever...but early on, this place was a life-saver!

[Aim]

Some folks really do love to be miserable and love conflict!
They love to blame others (aka their spouse) for their unhappiness.
Their reasons and requests (rules of the game) keep changing- so the relationship will never work out in their eyes.

A marriage can not make a person happy- happinesss comes from within.

Take a large piece of paper and write down the things she has said and done (reasons to let her go)-  as well as her faults (it took me awhile to realize my ex wasn't perfect either) the list was helpful!

[Bosco]

Some folks really do love to be miserable and love conflict!
They love to blame others (aka their spouse) for their unhappiness.
Their reasons and requests (rules of the game) keep changing- so the relationship will never work out in their eyes.

A marriage can not make a person happy- happinesss comes from within.

LF,
Print this in large letters and put it on your fridge. It is pure gold.

I feel like I failed in really looking and caring about what she needed.  I tried to help her be happy, but I still came up short.  I feel like I am failing the kids in giving them an intact home.  I should have been more attentive and a stronger leader in the family.  Maybe none of that would have mattered, but still I feel feelings of remorse and shame over it all falling apart.  I wouldn't say she didn't try to make it work, but I suppose her heart wasn't really in it, so her efforts only went so far.  I can't blame her and just brush off my own shortcomings in the collapse.

Boy, this sounds so much like me.....so quick to assume responsibility for someone else's unhappiness. And like me, I think you are doing it because you know that you weren't perfect and "rightous indignation" just isn't part of your make-up. My guess is that you have always been quick to blame yourself. But here's the thing.....your culpability only goes so far, and you're not trying to blame Her for any of your shortcomings, so don't be so willing to take on hers.

Remember what I said...Truth and Grace. Own what's yours and deal with it....look it in the face and give yourself a chance to grow however you need, and want to. But it's just as important that you give yourself credit for all the things you've done right. My guess is that that is a pretty big list and that you are a really good man. I bet your kids would agree with that. I bet your friends and co-workers would agree as well. That's the Grace part. It's not shifting blame to her that rightly belongs to you, it's acknowledging that you did the best you could and in the end it just wasn't enough for her.....for Her. Her heart clearly isn't in this, maybe it never was....but yours was and you gave it all you had.

If she needs to move on without you, that's on her...all you can do now, is to continue to be a good man, a good dad and a good friend....and to continue to grow in all the ways you want to. I think you'll find that you'll now have a lot more freedom to do that. I know I do.

One last thing for now....when the crud first hit the fan for me and she decided to leave me for someone else....I took 100% of the blame. And it almost detroyed me. If not for my kids, I'm honestly not sure I'd still be takin up space on this big round ball. But, I did the only left to me....I asked God to forgive me for letting this happen, and maybe for the first time in my life, He showed me what Grace really means. What forgiveness really means....first for myself, and ultimately for her. I don't think I would have survived any other way.
Anyway, food for thought. You're going to get thru this just fine, my friend, and eventually you're going to see a whole new life that an un-happy marriage was keeping you from seeing.

Spectre