Newbie from Alabama

[Bosco]

Ok, since I'm on a roll...one more last thing for now.....

I dread us telling the kids.  ........ If they ask "why?" I think I may just break down!

This will be heartbreaking....expect it.  And they will ask why, because there is no way that they can really understand all the issues at hand....and they shouldn't have to. And there will be a great temptation to tell them "this was Mommy's fault, it's her choice to leave" . I wanted to. I wanted to show my kids the love notes from her boyfriend, the music cd's he would make for her and to tell them that she was spending 2 or 3 nights a week with him and coming home before they woke up.  But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't They don't need to know that crap. They just need to know that they are loved unconditionally by Both parents and that they will continue to have Both parents, just in different houses. And, most importantly, that none of this is in any way thier fault. Once they know all that, they'll get used to the rest and adapt. They will.

Ok, I'm done....for now.....

[lookingforward]

Thanks AIM. Thanks Spectre.  Thank you all.

Great advice - dont take the burden of her unhappiness on me.  Accept that I did what I should and could - that making mistakes is human and even with them I put my all into it.
I do have a clear conscience relative to doing all I could.
She said she is ready to tell the kids.  I guess we will do that this weekend.  I will be strong, refrain from blame, reassure them that she and I will always be their parents and love them, and invite them to talk about it and tell me how they are feeling anytime.
I am working on a list of things I dont like about her and a list of things I do like about myself.  That is a harder exercise than I would have thought!

[lookingforward]

Tough morning today.

She is texting me "I'm confused" "you're drving me away" "you give me mixed signals, but I sense you're done"

What BS!  She is the one who decided to leave.  She is the one who is driving the divorce.  This is typical for her to deflect it on me.  She cant be the one who did it, to her it has to be my fault.

So many times she has said stuff like ... "well, I was all ready to work it out until you said _X_"

All the while, she is getting her lawyer to draft a settlement agreement and negotiating on a new house to move into.

I answered back that I am not responsible for her happiness or her unhappiness, and to please stop playing me like a yo-yo.

I hate going down this same old worn path again.  This is so stupid, pathetic, and childish.  Thank God this is an anonymous board, how embarassing!

[Cam]

oh I'm so sorry.. not much advice.  l've just never understood their mindset.  Seems they jump back forth, sometimes playing us, sometimes just running.  There were times when I just had to break-a-way and go chase a bear.  If you can, take some time to go to a gym, ride a bke, tennis, heck jump a bronc!  Anything physical to work thru some of that frustration.  Otherwise it will just eat away at you.  Venting here helps too.. we've been there in some way to.   

[Aim]

Time to keep conversation to only what is necessary.  Continued conversation is going to keep your emotions going all over the place!

[Bosco]

What BS!  She is the one who decided to leave.  She is the one who is driving the divorce.  This is typical for her to deflect it on me.  She cant be the one who did it, to her it has to be my fault.

I'm pretty sure you've figured this out already, but......here goes......

She has been talking herself into leaving for a while....maybe a Long while. The only reason she hasn't before is that she doesn't want to be "the one who left", ergo..."the bad guy".  She needs for it to be your fault because for her to see it any other way forces her to question her decision. She doesn't want to question her decision....she wants to be free. She, unfortunately, also wants to be Guilt-Free and the only way she can be that is for all this to be your fault.

Don't fall for it.

And unless she is having an affair, she doesn't need to be the "bad guy", IMO.....if the marriage is over, you both need to just face it and deal with it with as much compassion and respect as you can. That's the least painful way to get thru this mess....especially for the kids.  But she doesn't seem to be doing that, and some part of her knows it and feels guilt. She can't afford to feel guilt, or anything else that might hinder her plans.

 I answered back that I am not responsible for her happiness or her unhappiness, and to please stop playing me like a yo-yo.  

Way to go, Dude !!    I'd pay good money for the chance to go back in time and tell my ex that........proud of you !

[lookingforward]

Spectre, you are right on. She doesnt want to be the bad guy. She doesn't want to tell her family or friends what's happening either. I think that's because she doesn't want anyone to talk her out of it. I know most everyone wouldn't agree with what she's doing. She wants the divorce to be final and then go public.

I will remind myself not to fall into that trap of taking all the fault and blame. Because it makes me feel like crap and its not the truth.

Keeping conversation to a minimum is also something I am trying to do. She is a powerful, dominant woman. One of my longstanding gripes has been I don't feel "heard" by her. Well now, communication has disintegrated to nil. Anytime I try to talk to her, she says I am attacking her. So I for sure am not feeling heard now.
Meanwhile, I am going to try to lay low and avoid interaction as much as possible. Ironically, that makes her just as mad as when I try to talk (attack) her, but it makes it easier on me.  

It's incredible how a relationship turns from confidant and soulmate to combatant and stranger!

[lookingforward]

Ok. Replying to my own post - talk is cheap!

Can't seem to help myself in playing the back and forth BS with her.

It's going on right now. 

She's driven off. And I am sitting alone on the porch. And it is raining but the sun is shining bright. (literally, not metaphorically. It is beautiful)

[allbusiness]

Looking - that is what this is all about:
"I don't want to be the bad guy."

She is saying and acting the way she is so that she won't be the "bad guy" to everyone around her.

Next time she says that, say the following:
"Great! I will stop giving you mixed signals. We will go to counseling and you can be happy! Thank you!"

See how fast she does the big turn around on you.

None of this is about you, it is about her. Based on your earlier posts, she has been checked out since she had the affair so many years ago. Once kids started coming, though, she (and maybe even you) felt you had to make it work. So, it has just been prolonged...but she hasn't changed a bit!

The ex in my situation had an affair. He said the same crap yours is saying: "You are sending me mixed signals"/"Why can't you just get over it?"/"I thought we might be making the wrong decision divorcing, but your comments are just making it sound like it is the right course."

They are trying to aleviate their guilt in torpedoing the marriage. Don't fall for it.

Look up the 180 on this board. Follow it. Sounds like you have started, but it gives you a more detailed plan to follow.

[allbusiness]

Ok. Replying to my own post - talk is cheap!

Can't seem to help myself in playing the back and forth BS with her.

It's going on right now. 

She's driven off. And I am sitting alone on the porch. And it is raining but the sun is shining bright. (literally, not metaphorically. It is beautiful)

Disengage! Ignore, ignore, ignore!

If it is not about your children or finances, just don't talk to her right now.

Relationship talk is OFF THE TABLE! (So long as she is blameshifting and pushing off all the faults on you.)

[Wolfy]

Ok. This is what can help. Now, when you aren't around her, think of some replies you can use to say to her when you two start getting into it. My ex would always say, "If you had.....maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced". My preset reply was. "I refuse to dwell on the past, I am looking forward the future". There was nothing she could say to it because I was taking the high road before she did, which she knew was the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure after I left she was fuming but while I was there she had nothing to say to it. Think of some replies that will difuse the situation that you can use without thinking about it.

[Bosco]

If you look really carefully, you will see that she carries around a bag with her everywhere she goes....especially when she is around you. It's her handy dandy "bag of grievances". It is always full and always available for when she needs to justify her choices. In it you will an assortment of all manner of complaints and accusations that point the finger of blame at you. Every mistake you've ever made, real or imagined.....every short-coming, every bad choice, every time you've ever been a disappointment to her (again, real or imagined)......and she will now be desperate to add anything she can to her bag that will bolster her case.
The problem is that some of the things in her bag will tring true and those things are part of what makes you want to blame yourself......but most of it is crap she has made up in her own head to rationalize her own behaviour. And all of it is pretty irrelevant at this point.

Look for it, you'll see it.

[allbusiness]

If you look really carefully, you will see that she carries around a bag with her everywhere she goes....especially when she is around you. It's her handy dandy "bag of grievances". It is always full and always available for when she needs to justify her choices. In it you will an assortment of all manner of complaints and accusations that point the finger of blame at you. Every mistake you've ever made, real or imagined.....every short-coming, every bad choice, every time you've ever been a disappointment to her (again, real or imagined)......and she will now be desperate to add anything she can to her bag that will bolster her case.
The problem is that some of the things in her bag will tring true and those things are part of what makes you want to blame yourself......but most of it is crap she has made up in her own head to rationalize her own behaviour. And all of it is pretty irrelevant at this point.

Look for it, you'll see it.

Very, very true words. ^^^

It is called blameshifting. People use it often: "If you hadn't done this, I wouldnt' have done that!" It is all blaming someone outside of themselves for their own bad choices. I hear that a lot in your posts, Looking. The "you are pushing me away" is a classic line of a blameshifter. Doesn't matter to them that they are running away from you at the same time...*you are pushing them away*.*. It is complete BS.

[lookingforward]

Thanks, guys.

I know that there is no way to succeed in this back and forth with her. I need to try to rise above.

She is at the realtor now. Signing a contract on a house.

Feeling both sadness and relief.  Probably more sadness than relief!

[lookingforward]

Arrrghh