Newbie from Alabama

[Wolfy]

Arrrghh

Can you elaborate?

[Bosco]

Arrrghh

Can you elaborate?

I'm not sure you need to.....I totally get it. Keep the faith, brother.....you'll get thru this.

[Harriet]

The 180 saved me. I did it not to try to win him back, but to create a distance, and it worked very very well. If I could find it I would post it (Spec knows I can't seem to find anything online...terrible detective).

[lookingforward]

Searching for the 180 now.

[allbusiness]

Searching for the 180 now.

Here is a link to the 180:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I think the whole thing has been posted here before, too, but this is the quickest way I think you'll be able to find it.

[lookingforward]

Thanks allbusiness.
 I read through the 180 a few times.
I could do all that, but what is my objective?
It could contribute to more peace at the house.
But I am not sure that I want to lure her back (well I do, but I know that we will back in this same spot in a year or so)

We have been here every couple of years for over a decade. Why try again knowing the same rejection/diivorce threats come again and again.

[AKA Betsy Braddock]

Your objective is to disengage from being a partner
while becoming an individual again.

You want to be a whole person all by yourself rather than half of a failed couple.

Once you are successful, you will find nirvana.

[lookingforward]

Hanging on to threads. Ignoring the hard truths.  Participating in juvenile games.  Obsessive thoughts.  Overworking to vent frustration.  Pendulum from hope to despair.  Drinking too much beer. Gritting my teeth.

That has been my Sunday.

I welcome the structure of school, work, and laundry that Monday brings.

[H0$$]

Drinking too much beer? I didn't know there was any such thing.

[allbusiness]

Thanks allbusiness.
 I read through the 180 a few times.
I could do all that, but what is my objective?
It could contribute to more peace at the house.
But I am not sure that I want to lure her back (well I do, but I know that we will back in this same spot in a year or so)

We have been here every couple of years for over a decade. Why try again knowing the same rejection/diivorce threats come again and again.

The objective of the 180 is simple - to disengage.
It has nothing to do with luring someone back...it has to do with regaining your sanity in an insane situation.
Does engaging with her help you in any way? Just on this thread, you said there was a back and forth texting situation. Did you feel better afterwards?
Very rarely does the 180 lure someone back. Occasionally it will show a STBX the strength of the other spouse and could lead to reconciliation, but that doesn't happen often.
When you distance yourself in the way the 180 states, you can focus on what really matters and avoid the drama. It doesn't stop the rollercoaster of emotions, but it does help you focus on your healing instead of being drawn into meaningless discussions or situations of hearing a blameshifting STBX. (Think of the "you are pushing me away" comments...blameshifting at its finest.)
At this time, she is not your problem anymore. You and your children are. In that, children and finances is all you need to discuss - you don't have to talk about "her feelings" or "her confusion" or the BS that if you hadn't done this, she wouldn't have done that.
Does that help any?

I know it is hard, lookingforward. It took me a long time to get it right. But, it does help.

[livealittle]

I used to ask myself these questions...

will this conversation help me in any way?
Is this a positive conversation?
will anything I say right now change the outcome?
will this even matter 5 years from now?



these questions helped me a lot. You really need to focus on doing what helps you right now. while that may sound selfish at first, you cannot be an effective father, employee, supervisor, friend, brother, son, etc. when you are in so much emotional turmoil. be sure you get some exercies, get some sunshine each day, eat healthy, drink enough water, get enough sleep and take a good multivitamin - won't hurt you for sure. just taking care of your body's physical needs can help you deal with the emotional trainwreck you're going through right now.

hang in there.

[Bosco]

LF,
The 180 is probably different things to different people, kind of depends on what your goal is. I didn't read the 180 back then, but I understood the 180 concept. For me it was pretty simple.
Get my balls back.....with as much dignity as possible. Meaning, don't engage in a pointless battle...it will only make things worse.

[Bosco]

And H0$$.....there is such a thing as drinking too much beer.....I discovered it just this weekend....
At a 2 day rodeo. You rednecks know how to party, that's all I can say. I'm Still hungover..........

[lookingforward]

I feel hungover today as well!

I see the idea of 180 helping me in that it hurts more to play the back and forth.  And playing it changes nothing and helps nothing.

She tells me I have her heart and I can swoon her, BUT (always a BUT) ....  I am too mean, distant, make her feel hurt, shamed, humilated, ugly. Everytime she offers me hope, the other shoe drops of blaming and excuses why it won't work and its my fault (from the little bag she carries with her y'all pointed out to me).

I am going to try to only engage her on discussions on finances and the kids.

[AKA Betsy Braddock]

She says she's confused.
You say nothing.

She says you're driving her away.
You say nothing.

She says she's disappointed in you.
You say nothing.

When she wants your attention to point out what you aren't doing for her, your best response is no response. Your next best reply is one of polite disinterest. Practice saying stuff like

"What a shame"
"Hate to hear that"
"That's amazing"
"I see"
"Thanks for sharing"
"Hope you feel better tomorrow"
"Oh my goodness"

with absolutely no defensiveness in your voice. She can blame you for anything that isn't all warm and fuzzy because it keeps her from having to look in the mirror at herself. She wants to get away from you and live her own life, well by golly let her. Let her be responsible for her own choices. Do not get in her way. After all, you have been holding her back all this time, you know. 

Should she wish to talk logistics about kid transportation, their medical issues or cost of their care and activities, you are ready for real words.