Newbie..Beginning Stages of Divorce or Separation?

[ChristyJ]

Hi there.. My story is kind of a long one - I hope I don't bore anyone. A little bit of backround, my husband and I have been together for 5 years and only married for 4 months. He is a Marine. After we married in December I moved all the way across the country to be with him. We have our own home and four rescue dogs. I have always had a horrible anxiety disorder and the move made things worse. I have never been this dependent on someone else before. I was so afraid if everything wasn't perfect around the home that he would leave me and I would be left alone in this unknown place with nothing. I started having meltdowns around the house over the tiniest things. If a glass would break, it would be the end of the world for me. He would get frustrated with me, and then I would get angry with him for not understanding. It would escalate from there. I refused to get counseling, I thought it meant I was crazy. I knew that the arguements hurt him, but I didn't think they were marriage ruining.

Four weeks ago he left on a field operation for three weeks. While he was gone I found out I am pregnant. I was shocked but excited, so I told him immediately. Within an hour he told me he didn't think this marriage was going to work. That he was excited for the baby, and would fight for custody but he couldn't live with the way I am anymore. I started counseling and let it go and waited for him to come home from the field. He never came home. The following day after they were due to arrive home, we had a mediated meeting with the Chaplin of his command. The first thing he said to me was that he was "done and just wanted to end this as peacefully as possible" but by the end of the discussion he changed his response to "We'll see what happens". On the way back to the house, he told me all of the things he was packing and taking with him to move back into the barracks with his single friends. When we walked into the house he changed his mind on his things and only grabbed a few books and some clothes.

He has been moved out for a week now, and it has been completely devastating to me. He still comes over everyday to "see the dogs" and we have basic chit chat, nothing about our marriage. He is no longer talking about divorce, but he isn't talking about coming home either. I appreciate the time I have with him when he comes over, all though we do not touch or be intimate. It kills me everyday when I watch him walk out all over again. Yesterday he purchased a new dog that he has wanted forever, and dropped it off at the house and left. At first it gave me hope that this means he is coming home, then it just made me angry. Have I just become a dogsitter?

Right now he is enjoying the "single life" going out to the bars and partying with his friends everynight. I am at home thousands of miles from anyone I know, sitting here praying every night is the night he will come home. I am going through phases of being pathetic and just wanting him to come home, and being angry that he would do this to me at such a special time.

I realize that we aren't just dating anymore - we are married and marriage takes work. I am willing to put in the work, but I am terrified that he is not. He seems like he just wants the easy way out. I guess I am just looking for support, maybe advice. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don't feel like me anymore, I miss him so much that it physically hurts.

[DrDoo]

Get yourself over to http://marriagebuilders.com and read and then read some more.
Sounds like you have a chance but it is going to take some time and effort to get things right and the worst thing you can do right now is beg him or bug him.
Get busy and stay busy for a while work on you continue your counseling and work on your anxiety issues.

Stay around and post and talk here when you need to it helps. 

[allbusiness]

First and foremost - take care of yourself at this time. Pregnancy takes a lot of energy from a woman, so keep drinking water, eating small meals throughout the day, go for walks (with the dogs or without), and just sit and relax. Let your doctor know about what is going on and see what he/she recommends and keep taking your prenatal vitamins.

Now, as to your marriage:
Your husband is either married or he is not. He cannot "have the single life" with a wife and baby on the way at home. Whether you want to allow him to come of the fence on that or you want to shove him off is up to you. *I*, personally, won't ever put up with a spouse who does that again (as I dealt with that kind of man, too...). So...do you want to stay where you know no one and deal with a baby on your own? Or, do you want to put the bug in his ear that you plan to go home with the baby where you actually have support? He can either be an active husband and father, or your baby can have other supportive family and friends surrounding him/her when he comes!!!

Don't be surprized if it isn't just "partying with his friends" that he is doing. I know you don't want to hear it or believe it, but I wouldn't not be surprized if he is committing adultery on all these trips to the bars. Stay safe and keep your baby safe. I found out about the ex's adultery when pregnant with my fifth child...I was blindsided. Try to prepare yourself...because that adds a whole other level to the betrayal you'll have to deal with.

Hugs to you! Stick around and vent when you need to.

[ChristyJ]

I appreciate the advice. I've been trying not to "beg or bug him" but I'm finding it very difficult. I'm texting or calling him once or twice a day with random unimportant things even though his responses only upset me. I just can't figure out how to stop.

[Wolfy]

Hi Christy

I am sorry for what you are going through but I noticed something. You start your post with all the things you did wrong. You don't mention if he did anything wrong so for now I am going toassume he didn't. By the end of your post your seem to start being angry with him and indicate that you are willing to do anything you can to save your marriage. I would argue that your husband has been waiting for you to change instead of getting mad about little things and he has not seen any change in you so far. Why should he now expect you to change? Maybe his thought is that bringing a child into this inviroment with you getting upset with the smallest things isn't fair to the child. Maybe that is why he wants a divorce. And contrary to what AB says, I wouldn't assume he is having an affair  unless you have proof of it. Assuming he is will only make you more upset with no basis of fact. You say he might want the easy way out. Maybe he has been in an intolerable situation with you and cant take it any more.

With this in mind, you have some chioces. The choice to become whoever you want to be. The choice to correct the behavior in yourself that you feel is bad. The choice to move on with your life or, if your husband is willing, to rekindle your life with him again.

[allbusiness]

I appreciate the advice. I've been trying not to "beg or bug him" but I'm finding it very difficult. I'm texting or calling him once or twice a day with random unimportant things even though his responses only upset me. I just can't figure out how to stop.

Just put the phone down...turn it off...put it somewhere that is a PITA to get at...
You don't need the upset right now and if that is what his responses are getting you, just don't do it.
(I know, harder done than said...)
Do you like to read? Find a good book and engross yourself in it.
Do you like movies? Grab a few and have a marathon.
Do you like to garden? Plant a flower bed or a vegetable garden.

In all reality...and I hope you know this...you have been together 5 *years*. He has known about your anxiety disorder. He played a role in moving you so far from your support base. His leaving is on him, not on you.
I do hope you get some help for the anxiety, though. It isn't good for you or the baby. Living with anxiety is a very tough way to live.

[ChristyJ]

I have begun anxiety counseling, and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am already feeling more in control of regulating my own emotions. Over the past weekend, he has stopped his daily visits. Instead, I got a visit from the police today looking for him for wreckless driving. I texted him to let him know, and immediately got a phone call where he talked to me like I was dirt. I haven't heard from him since. Though I am holding out hope that this can be fixed, I need to believe that if its really over I will be okay. I'm just not seeing it that way. Its like I am wearing blinders. I can't see my life moving any further than him. All of my future plans were about him, my child will have no father without him.

I just want this stop. I feel like my entire life is spinning out of control, and it just isn't fair.

[m_t]

The best thing you can do now is take care of yourself - both physically and emotionally. I'm glad you've started counseling - stick with it. If that's the sole cause of your marital problem? It may or may not help repair things, but it WILL help you learn to deal with it, and any other issues moving forwards.

I will disagree with all-b that HE moved you. He's a marine - he goes where they tell him to go. So it's really not right to hold that against him. Also, while he knew of your anxiety issues, it is altogether possible that he has had as much difficulty living with them as you have.

Be that as it may...

my child will have no father without him.

Your child will always have a father. Whether the two of you are still married or not. He may well be a loving and involved father.

[livealittle]

((((hugs)))))

everyone else has given you all the good advice so I'll just give you a cyber hug.

[lookingforward]

I feel like I am losing my mind. I don't feel like me anymore, I miss him so much that it physically hurts.

Hi Christy,

Sorry I dont have sage words of advice like others on this page.  I am the start of my divorce, and I am processing what all that means.  I have a lot of learning and healing to do myself.

But I do have alot of the same feelings you are right now. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that.  Take care and heed the advice you feel helps from this board.  I have had my eyes opened by folks here, and it is a safe place to share your pain.

Take care!

[Bosco]

The bottom line, Christy, is that regardless of who's fault it is....or no one's .....a broken marriage is painful. Whether yours is salvageable or nor maybe remains to be seen, but the most important thing you can do right now is to take care of you, and this child to be. Stay in counseling, stay healthy (for you And baby) and give him time to figure out what he wants. If he decides to stay away, there's not much you can do but survive this and be the best mom you can. Hopefully, he will choose to be an active and caring father as well.
Being in the military, that will be challenging as he will have to go where they send him, but you need to give him a chance to step up and be a good dad. I hope he does.
If he chooses not to stick with the marriage, it will be hard for you, no doubt....but you'll get thru it, I promise. We'll help you all we can.

[allbusiness]

Hi Christy. How are you feeling today?

Have you been drinking water? Eating small meals? Taking your vitamins?

I will disagree with all-b that HE moved you. He's a marine - he goes where they tell him to go. So it's really not right to hold that against him.

I didn't say *he* moved her. I said he played a role in moving her...and a large role, as him being a Marine does require that.
Granted, Christy has known his profession...so knew the chances of being uprooted. I can't tell from the first post, but it almost sounds like she knew she would have to move...

So, what have you been up to the last few days, Christy?

[InDenial]

Hi Christy:

Welcome Christy, but sorry for the reason you are here. 

I'm proud of you for seeking out counselling, that was a a very smart step to take.  Keep with it.  Since you are pregnant now, you probably do not want to be experimenting with anti-anxiety drugs. Has your counselor given you any exercises to work on outside of counseling to help you cope with anxiety? Keep at them too.

Are you a follower of any organized religion?  If so, you might want to start (keep?) going to church and seek out a support group there.

As for that new dog, have you bonded with it yet?  If not, I would tell him to take it back.  You have more than enough to do with the dogs you already had.

[Bosco]

Hi InD !   Have missed ya around here, don't be such a stranger....

[Wolfy]

Stop flirting, Spec.