Newbie..Beginning Stages of Divorce or Separation?

[Bosco]

Stop flirting, Spec. 

No flirting goin' on, she's got a man......I just miss her sexy voice....

[InDenial]

Now boys... you behave.

 I missed you both, OK?

[Coordman]

Hi everyone. Many of you may remember me talking about spending time playing drums in a little cafe around the corner from my house when I lived in NY. That little cafe is where I met ChristyJ. She's been a friend of mine for a couple years now. Stephy and I suggested the site to her. She's about as sweet as the day is long and she is genuinely in a tough situation. I promised her that I would not go into any more detail than she already has because it is not my place to do so, but I want you to know that I can vouch for her and her story which is a bit worse, actually, than she has let on. I asked her if she would like me to write a post letting you all know that she's a friend of mine, and she said she would like that.

Wolfy, I want you to know that you are wrong here:

And contrary to what AB says, I wouldn't assume he is having an affair  unless you have proof of it. Assuming he is will only make you more upset with no basis of fact. You say he might want the easy way out. Maybe he has been in an intolerable situation with you and cant take it any more.

Not for trying to be neutral or for giving the situation a good vetting. I completely understand and appreciate your concern here. Again, without going into more detail than what's already been said, my opinion is that the guy is a scum.  ChristyJ holds onto a bit of a completely undeserved guilty conscience as her marriage falls apart. We've all been there, wondering what we could have done differently. You know the song.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that she's legit and that I personally appreciate any help you guys can provide.

Welcome to HEO, ChristyJ.

[H0$$]

Well, let me just say...any friend of Coord's is....very suspect to me.    Welcome Christy.  I was waiting for Coord to break out into MC Hammer's Too Legit To Quit.....

[Coordman]

Funny stuff, there, H0$$. Seriously, though, Christy is a great person in a very difficult situation. She needs some good friends on her side right now.

[Wolfy]

I said what I said because of what Christy said. If she explains further I would certainly be open to listening to her.

[ChristyJ]

When I first posted I was completely consumed with my own guilt and couldn't see the bigger picture. Since my last post, things have gone downhill fairly quickly. He no longer comes over, he has left me with out food or money, and has started to speak to me like I am a piece of trash. He is going out every weekend with different woman, spending our money doing things he always promised me we would do together. I haven't seen him in days, and I can't decide whether I want to or not. I understand my role in "pushing him away" originally, but I also know that I don't deserve the way he is treating me now. I'm having these mood swings what seems like every hour on the hour, I go from wanting him home so bad - to just wanting to be done with him forever. It terrifies me that I am having his child, and he will always have to be a part of my life.

For the last two days I have been sitting online, watching our bank account dwindle away while he has a wonderful weekend with a woman in his unit. He hasn't contacted me once. I have the urge to text him, to call him, to do something to make him stop. To make him come home, to make him be a dad, to be a husband. My lowest points are when I realize that I can't make him do any of those things.

Five months ago when we married, I thought I had the whole world figured out. The rest of my life was planned. Now I can't tell myself that there will be life after this, that I will ever get over it.

[Wolfy]

Christy

I'm sorry things have been getting worse. I don't agree with anyone having fun at the consiquence of the spouse.  Why don't you draw out some money out of the account so you have it before him? Or get involved in the court system and get an order so he has to pay you first.

[chill]

Maybe it is time for you to go back home to where your family and positive people who can help you?  Or go see a lawyer and have them put in for temp. support.  Me personally, would pack up and head back home.

[m_t]

I agree with the comment that you should withdraw money yourself - if it's a joint account, you are entitled to half of what there is. Just do it.

As for moving back to your family... If you're going to do that you'd be wise to do it ASAP as NY will hold jurisdiction once you've been there 6 months. December is when you moed? You're down to a month or less. If you move after that, and he files in NY? You will be needing to retain an attorney in NY and/or travel back for hearings. You will also be facing a complicated custody/visitation schedule, which you may be at least 50% responsible for. He *could* also technically ask the court to require you to return the child to NY (once s/he is born) - which will require you to move back or give up custody.

Just an FYI - I was divorced in NYS w/custody issues, so if you have questions, feel free to PM me.

[allbusiness]

Please, please, please move to where you will have actual support *now*! Get back to being surrounded by those who will actually help you with the baby. He hasn't been home in two days...um, who is taking care of this new rescue dog he just dropped off at your house? Think about that. He has no desire to help with the responsibilities...and a baby is a *huge* responsibility. Hopefully the court system will see this as "status quo", as the baby isn't due for a while and he will be uninvolved (I'm sure...), and will let you stay there. (Get a free consult with a lawyer...ask some questions about that. But do it *quick*, so you can move.)

Is this a joint bank account? Don't watch it dwindle...take some out and get your own account. Are you working right now? Make sure to put some aside. Are household expenses still being taken care of?

He's military...you stated you went and spoke to the Chaplin. Did the Chaplin know about the OW? Does his command? Please know that his cheating has *nothing* to do with you or the marriage...his choices, his moral failures (especially in light of your carrying his child)!!! I'm very sorry that my gut from your story was right on that one...I, too, dealt with a WS during pregnancy and it is not fun. Keep eating and drinking as much as you can and keep your strength up.

If you need to talk, I'm around.