Can people really live together after they are divorced? Would anyone in his right mind ever want to? I’ve added a new page on Divorceinfo.com that explores the question. (Hint: sometimes it makes sense, particularly if you acknowledge the possible problems.)
I am considering putting an apartment in my house so that maysoon to be exhusband can live there for many of the reasons posed in your post. The biggest problems I see are when i want to get remarried and not want to have him there anymore and his jealousy of my dating I I have no problem with him dating). I also think we would get back into family habits such as eating dinner together (but we were never much of family to begin with). By doing this I hope to foster a friendship based on the fact that we were married for eight years and that we shared a live and children.
Makes sense to me. I’d love for you to come back in a year or so and tell us how it worked out. You know, benefit of hindsight, that sort of thing.
I am going through something similar..however…my soon to be X does not know if he can “cope” with living together. We have had problems for many years, and I am at the point in my life where I am tired of the roller coaster ride he has had me on. The only reason for living in the same house would be for the children’s benefits. We have three sons, and I do not want to have to shuffle them from one house to the other. Any thoughts are welcome.
My wife has expressed her desire to enter divorce. We still love each other, but she says she is not in love with me. I have not yet approached her about this idea, but it is going to be near impossible for us to start again financially. We just purchased our 3rd residence about a year ago, and do not have sufficient equity to split and start over. We have a 3-year-old, and two dogs.
As such, it might be easier to modify our home to have an apartment, or two residences than it would be to try to support separate residences. I doubt I can buy-out and afford the residence on my own. Certainly, with joint custody of a child, a room-mate can be problematic, and my wife would probably be the perfect choice.
I believe we have a relationship that could withstand this. The real issue would be our daughter, and the potentially inevitable point when we may enter into new relationships.
My husband and I live to seperate lives. THe only thing we share together are bills
and our 2 sons. We are in debt and there are no way we could either carry on and live
seperatley till we can pay off some debt. I am thinking of asking for a divorce and hopin
that we can still stay in the home for the children and financial reasons. I can handle him
moving on with his life and I am not interested in looking right now, I have had such low
self esteem I need to build it back up, anyone with simialr problems please email me
and let me know how it is working.
detroitdragons@yahoo.com
I have just begun the process of splitting up with my husband. He is in denial, so I’m allowing our “family life” to continue as I slowly pull elements of coupledom out of our lives. We share an apartment with our toddler, who he loves to spend time with and help take care of. In a way, I love our set-up. It’s cheaper, logistically simpler, and in my view, safer.
However, I worry that trying to maintain civility and share lives during this time of splitting lives might just be impossible. The first problem is his deep denial. No progress can be made like that. Secondly, I’m not even sure what I want, yet. In a way, I sort of see us living together as a family for a while longer, then my husband will do something just ridiculously mean and I’ll say to myself, “That’s it. Why did I think we could do this? I’ll leave tomorrow morning.” Then in the morning, he acts normal again and I go back to calm.
Is there a successful model for couples living together who aren’t couples? Is there something specific that counselors recommend?
My wife and I got divorced around 3 years ago. We both found out it was only harder on us and the two girls. She and I tried to hate each other…..but it was impossible. We got married at 18, and have always loved each other with all our hearts. The divorce only made everything worse. Especially on the children. We decided to move back in together.We learned our lesson the hard way. Now we want Joint custody and plan to remarry as soon as possible. We have vowed never to leave each other again. we also have her mother living with us. Sometimes its hard but our children have never been happier! Not to mention us,we are soul mates and always will be. There is absolutely life after divorce. After all,true love is hard to find and we learned when you have true love…..cherish and nurture it. the main reason you cant share these feelings with anyone else as long as they exist between you and your spouce. It was the biggest mistake we ever made. Think hard before you give away your life savings to some 2 bit lawyer!!! WORK IT OUT! Take it from us.
When you live with your wife after divorce in some states you are common law married.
You would need to divorce again. You can’t file for a divorce until you have been apart.
It’s a dead end street.
I just did a search and appreciate all the questions like mine. My husband and I still love each other after 15 years, but things have grown strained and I seem to be the only one putting out the effort to regain the closeness we have lost. He seems content just being buds, occasional lovers, living the roomate way–but I want more and asked him to either work on it or set me free with a divorce. I can’t support this house alone, and the kids won’t want to stay here without me. Has anyone ever been able to live in the same house after divorce? I need to move on with my life. Anyone else in the dame boat or with ideas please email me at savagepoodle@msn.com
I have a question, no comment. My wife and I are splitting after 8 years. I have found an apartment for the time being. It is a one bedroom, etc. My kids have always slept in the same room via bunk beds, even though they had their own rooms. I recently was told that after a divorce, the children are not allowed to sleep in the same room. Is this true? Thanks in advance to any answer I can get!
There’s no law that says that. How could kids ever go camping after a divorce if that were the case?
You’re bumping up against one of my pet peeves, our society’s tendency to impose rules on divorced parents that we wouldn’t dare inflict on intact families. Fortunately, to my knowledge, this isn’t one of them.
I am very recently divorced (6/08). My ex and I separated in 8/07, and we are both still living in the same house. He occupies the guest bedroom, and I have the master. We have two young boys, and my oldest (10) is aware of the situation between me and his dad. My youngest knows something is amiss, but not exactly what.
My ex and I are very civil and friendly. He has trouble with me dating because he didn’t want the divorce (I did, due to his infidelities). We both realize that our boys are priority number one, so we keep whatever negative feelings we may have about anything to a minimum and under wraps.
So far, it has worked. We will obviously make changes once the housing market improves, but until then. . . .
My husband and I have been married 17 years and have two teen daughters. Our marriage has been strained for a long time, after literally building a big house together (just the two of us) while living in a tiny trailer and then working together in his business (he’s an attorney), which is still the case. He and I both have major medical problems that make a sexual relationship almost impossible, and he says there is no marriage without it, so wants a divorce. He wants to stay together in the house until the younger one leaves (6 years), mainly due to the economy and the children. He thinks we can hide the divorce from everyone, including the kids, but I don’t see how. I sleep in the family room, because there is only 3 bedrooms. He wants to put doors on that and make it my room.
Since he is a divorce attorney and I work for him, he says we can do this very easily. I do know a lot about divorce law, and think it can work.
Has anyone else successfully managed this? What are some of the most important things to remember when drawing up legal papers in a situation like this. We live in a community property state, so everything up until the divorce is split 50/50.
I am the left (4/12/07)…I was also the sole financial supporter of our family. However, I don’t make enough for day care of our 2 and 3 year olds, so he moved back in to take care of the boys while I worked. It was very bad for awhile, I rebounded after only 2 months with someone he knows. He moved again. Shortly he rebounded and I believe he truely loved her because he was sincerely crushed. I suggested he come back to help him through it and to improve our kids situation. The second times was fabulous! We found our friendship again. We started laughing and even hanging out together AWAY from the kids. We are NOT getting back together, nor do we want to, we have both fallen in love with our friendship. It’s been great for the boys, our family, friends, and each other. He’s moving next week because we’ve found that potential boy/girl friends don’t understand. To the outside world we’re together and playing sick games with people. I understand but I’m sad he won’t be around for late night coffee and guitar lessons, but we’ve discovered that we are sole mates in every way that matters. In a way that is NOT romantic. We plan to see each other regularly, and he’ll still have the boys while I work.
My story is just to show that it IS possible to live together, you just have to be very grown up and learn to let go of the pain of the actual divorce and find in the other person a friend who has some common life experiences.
We’ve even been able to joke, i.e. He has a lazy day, I complain, he says, “see this is why we got divorced…You’re a slave driver!”
Hang in there people, it’s hard but you’ll be a better person for it!! Or maybe I’m just a martyr.
What can be done to kick my ex husband out of the family home. I have been divorced since January but my attorney never filed a kick out order. Now I am stuck with him. The house is on the market but not selling in this economy and I feel trapped. I didn’t get alimony but instead opted for two years severace parting upfront when the house sells. I am unemployed and looking for employment. I have never heard of this and niether has anyone else…It is insanity. Can anyone offer me some advice.
Talk to your lawyer about filing for a modification of the decree. It will be expensive, but if there’s nothing in the decree forcing your Ex to leave, that’s probably your only hope. Or maybe appeal to his pride and tell him he’s not wanted there.
my husband and i married really young and have had 12 years of a rollercoaster marriage. we love each other but hes not willing to iron out our problems and wants to leave things as bad as they are. i cant stop hoping things will change unless i know our seperation is permanent. we have two kids 4 and 9 we dont want to create havoc for them. i dream of being secretly divorced so i can start living my life without being in constant pain and rid myself of desire for reconciliation.
My hubby got into a car accident while he was drunk and nearly died from it recently. During his stay in the hospital I discovered he had been cheating on me for two years (he said it was because I wouldnt put-out while he was drunk). We have 2 preteen girls and have been married since we were 19….now we are 31. He says he made a mistake and he is soo sorry. Obviously his problem is Alcoholism, but he has been through a 10 day treatment and many failed attempts at AA prior to the accident and infedelity. He is just one week out of the hospital now and has already drank beer twice eventhough he is on pain meds. He sais that nearly dying did’nt change his thirst but he thinks the legal system will force him to get better and he plans on sticking to whatever they make him do to keep him sober…..well that sounds like denial and crap! I have told him when he is able to go back to work that I want a separation..He is “working” on me though: saying he has nowhere to go and he is gonna change his life and will be a better husband when the law catches up with him on his accident. My thoughts are I cant afford to live on my own..I would only have $250 after paying rent and I dont want to move my kids all aroung town pulling them out of schools (i dealt with that as a kid and i still have issues with making friends cause im always sure they wont be around for long). I almost want to live with him but I dont at the same time…I need insight. jillisa64@yahoo.com
I am interested in hearing from children who had parents that did this. I have young children and don’t want to hurt them any more than they will be hurt by a divorce. Financially this makes sense, but I am worried about the emotional effects on my kids.
I am going through this situation too, but mine’s a bit different. My girlfriend is about divorced, but her soon to be ex said that he wants to live as roommates for the sake of their kids. To me, I’m thinking what is the point in getting a divorce if you are just moving right back in with each other. And we will never be able to have a normal relationship I dont think. Im not moving in yet, but he gets to move in w her. That sucks in my opinion. I dont see how this would ever work with her and I long term. Does anyone have any thoughts? She said she’d live with him the rest of her life if it didnt tramatize the kids. I am talking to a friend who grew up with an arrangement like that, and she said, on the contrary, that it damaged her a lot seeing her parents be with each other but living separate lives in the house and dating other people. So, I don’t know how good of an idea it really is. Isn’t the point of a divorce because you can’t stand the other person and want away from them? Why even get a divorce people if your going to move right back in with the person you grew to hate. It makes no freaken sense to me, kids involved or not. Sorry, I’m just really pissed off right now, as I just found this out. That will be nice and awkward. Mom and dad living with each other, along with mom’s boyfriend, or maybe eventually new husband. AHHHH!!!! This just makes no sense.
Actually, I think it makes a great deal of sense. It’s not good news for you, but it’s easy to explain. At least one of these parents, maybe Dad, maybe Mom, is holding on to the hope that this marriage won’t fail after all. I don’t see much hope for you here as long as this arrangement continues. I understand that Mom needs to put the children’s interest first; who can fault her for that? But I would suggest that she can’t have it both ways. She can’t continue shacking up with her Ex (sorry, but the pejorative helps keep it in perspective) and hope to move on in a new romantic relationship. I think she’s telling you that you don’t rate. If I were your big brother, I would tell you to take a hint and hit the road.
My divorce is not final yet, but this is what I am going through during my divorce. I filed 3/08 and neither one of us will leave the house. He says if I want the divorce I should go. I filed for exclusive possession. It was denied. 2 teens at home, each have their own room. I am sleeping in my “office” and sharing a bath with the teens while he has taken over the master bedroom suite. He has “claimed” the living room for himself, using this as his reading room, and also has taken over the entire basement rec room with his beer and papers and old junk he had moved from a relative’s house. I had almost completed renovation so the teens could have a place to hangout, but he won’t clean up his crap, so now they don’t even bother to ask friends over. He cooks for himself {not for kids}(a lot of times he eats food that I buy)and does his own laundry. I pay for all the “shared” supplies, (laundry soap, toilet paper, salad dressings, etc). I don’t ask for money from him to avoid conflict. I speak to him only when absolutely necessary otherwise there is no communication. I never know his work schedule or his schedule for being at the house. (It scares the crap out of me because I never know when he is coming or going!) The bills are paid by both of us. When he feels like paying them, (very often they are late)he leaves them on the kitchen counter with a check for a portion and I pay the majority share. Expenses for the teens are paid by me; food, clothing, school expenses, auto repair, etc. House repairs were always paid by me, but when some recent repairs were needed and I asked him to pay a share, I was ignored. Literally. He has also ignored correspondence from attorney regarding settlement offers, so it looks like a master’s hearing is going to be the decision maker as to settlement. That’s my story on living in same house during divorce.
I am a psychology doctoral student doing my dissertation on divorced couples that live together. I have several friends in this situation and am very interested in how they made their decision to live together and how they make it work on a daily basis.
I am looking for couples that would be willing to share their experiences through an anonymous interview (either live or written). Currently there are NO academic studies on people living in this situation and spotty articles or negative press (WAR OF THE ROSES). Please contact me if you would be interested in helping to begin researching your growning population. ejohnsontherapist@gmail.com
well im glad i found this site. im not divorced or even seperated as of right now. But am seriously cosidering at least seperation. My situation is extremely unique! My husband is a sailor, Who is from dallas. We currently live in seattle. which is where im from. our son 3YRS OLD has several heart conditions that require regular heart surgeries, has had a stroke, and epilepsy, our daugter was preemie 1YR OLD. im 23 hes 24, weve been married for 5yrs. we transfer to Dallas for Shore Duty NEXT month. Hes becoming a recruiter.
weve had several trust issues in the past and recently. his ex fiancee was a problem through all our dating, and begining of marriage. he just could never let go, secret calls, emails, txts. LOTS OF LIES. even told her hed get her pregnant so she could still be in his life. (FOUND THAT OUT AFTER WE GOT MARRIED)
after a while thigs got better… i began to trust him again. but he stopd putting any effort into us as a couple NO ROMANCE AT ALL. i had confronted him for yrs but hed onLy try for a short time. before christmas 2007 mmy husband told me he was not in love with me and was only there for the kids that he had fallen for a woman on his ship. I WAS DEVISTATED. but when i went to leave the marriage he QUICKLY appologized and said he was stupid. SAYS HE NEVER WAS INTIMATE with her. but then again there goes all trst again… HE WENT TO SEA a month later.
the whole time he was gone he protested how much he was sorry, and he would finally treat me the way i needed and deserved. and would never do that kind of thing again.
WELL HES BEEN HOME 3 MONTHS, AND I FOUND LOVE,& SEX NOTES TOO NOW A NEW WOMAN. A PEN PAL HES HAD FOR THE LAST 6YRS. HE SAID THINGS TO HER, HES NEVER EVEN SAID TO ME. INFACT, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE THE NIGHT BEFORE I FOUND ALL THIS OUT. I WAS CURLED IN A BALL, CRYING, DEVISTATED, AND HE WAS TXTING HER ABOUT HER SORE TUMMY AND HOW HE WOULD RUB IT AND MAKE IT BETTER. AND WAS PLANNING TO MEET HER SECRETLY AND EVEN TOLD HER HE LOVED HER.
and now ??? he wants to finally put effort into us? we are suppose to be buying a house next month to move into. i havent worked IN 3 YRS, and weve accumalted some debt the last 5yrs . hes agreed to go along with whatever i want but declares he wants me and hes just been stupid and was taking the easy way.
id love to try this. and just buy A 4 bed house. im just Worried if it would work until I could find a stable job in a new state, and pay off our debt first. weve talked about this and some things we would expect. no other men or wowmen in the house etc that the house is the kids environment. i LOVE him but i cant trust him and all faith in him is lost to be Loyal. I PRAY WELL BE BETTER FRIENDS AND COPARENTS THAN WE MADE HUSBAND AND WIFE. I HOPE THIS WORKS!!! IF I DO DECIDE TO GO THIS ROUTE! (SORRY WAS SO LONG)
It is very difficult to live in the same house while being divorced. I just want to move. I believe I can make. Depending on you r spouse. There is a lot of bitterness, and most men donot want to see u with anyone. Money is an issue, but I would rather have a peace of mind than have to live in a mess. I get tired if the name calling, the unfair split of the money, and doing household duties by myself.It’s been some years for me, I am ready to be alone.I’m tired of being questioned about all that I do.
This world or country needs lots of prayers, do you people have any faith, do you pray to God for guidance? or you are soo burried in this materialistic world?? Its great that we are heading in this economic depression. Houses will never sell, not in the next 10years. What i am seeing here mostly is a bunch of selfish people, self centered.. etc. People getting married for the wrong reasons, people putting material life first, thinking that “its in the best interest of children”. Listen up folks, the kids will be damaged for life emmotionally, whatever you are doing, think about the children. There is no easy way around it. You marry and live together until you depart from this life. Are there problems yes many in marriage (i have been married for 7 yrs – 2 kids). And we thank God for keeping us together. We africans we value marriage big time not like the western world that has killed it for monetary gains and lust. Are there problems YES many but, once a problem comes up, be thank-full, its an opportunity as a couple to COMMUNICATE and solve it, the become even stronger and closer. I dont see any valid points here for people to get divorced, again thanks to the economic collapse, for those living together but divorced you SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES, how could you do that to your children?? Think about it.
My husband and I decided to divorce May of 2008 and are still living in the same house. We had been together for 5 years, we have a 4 year old daughter and we can’t afford to sell our house in this economy. We realized we had not been in love for awhile. Before the divorce things were stressful, we argued, were both depressed now that the pressure is off to make the marriage work we get along so much better as friends. We are both dating other people who are fine with the situation (both new relationships and not serious) It’s not the forever plan but we have made the best of it. Separate rooms, we don’t have the people we are dating over often. We have explained to our daughter that we are friends and that one day we won’t always all live together but we will always be close. I hope we aren’t damaging her. We both love that we can see her more often and that we can afford to live. The house has 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a living room, family room and kitchen so we each took a living room and a bedroom- we are mostly separate. So far so good.
Last June my husband then filed for divorce, I found out while I was at work by my mom through a text. I was devastated, begged him to stay. He canceled the papers, but I was still hurt n I was done, not only was I told he met a girl at a bar was talking to her n went to go swimming at her condo with his nest friend, I was told abou infedelities two months into our marriage. We were married 13 years. I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I filed for Dissolution. It was awful for two months, He found out I was seeing someone after we seperated n he went off now its thrown in my face all the time, bot what he did what I did after we filed. I got an apartment and moved out with the kids, dated and hated it. We continued talking went to one counseling session (he wouldnt go back) He took me to see the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron, I was numb at this point and went through with the final decree. My apartment was broken into and it was emotional for both of us. That was Oct. in Nov he asked me to move back in with him, we both still loved each other and did awesome for three months. Things are rocky now, but we are doing the Love Dare book n I like it a a lot it’s helping with how to love each other not worry about what they are Not doing. He doesnt want to get remarried afraid we will get back to where we used to be I look at it as a fresh start. My kids are happy Im happy not sure he is?
Shaka Zulu, TN: Your comments are disrespectful and your views are unworthy of any God. Is this blog monitored? If so, your remarks should have been removed.
After several years of living together like roommates (no sex and not interested) I decided I wanted more out of life and a real relationship with a man who would love me and I would love him. We discussed my leaving (we get along – just have stopped doing things together or having similar interests. No small children. My son is in the military) However it soon became apparent that my moving out on my own was not going to be financially possible at this time and he agreed that I could stay in the house as long as I wanted. We have several dogs and other pets and we agreed my husband would keep them when I did move and would need the house. We sometimes have meals together and I clean the house other than his room. We do our own laundry and have separate rooms. I have men friends I talk to online (not from dating sites) but have not dated yet. I am planning a trip soon with someone I have met. As to whether he will be the right one I am not in a hurry to make another bad choice so will just have to wait and see. In the past this idea of living together but being separated or divorced would never have occurred to me until the father of one of my son’s friends told me he and his wife had lived in the same house during the ten years of a nasty divorce and then even for another year after it was final. No it’s not an ideal situation and I wish things could be different but as long as we both can agree and get along living in my own home with all my things beats living in a room somewhere and having to work 2 full time jobs to even try to make it.
I am currently living with my soon to be ex and we plan on doing so after the divorce is final. I work days, he works nights. Our children are too young to leave alone and it is too expensive to hire a babysitter. We’ve put an in-law apartment on our house and he lives there. In order for it to work, you each have to have your own space, you have to come to grips with why the relationship didn’t work and you have to be willing to give each other time to deal with the divorce. The children should definitely know what is going on so they are not confused. Communication is key. Albeit, if you communicated during the marriage you may not have ended up divorced. In today’s society, it takes two incomes to run a house. With housing values dropping rapdily, not all couples can sell their house because they owe more than it is worth. Why should the children have to move from their house, change schools, etc. just because the parents (who brought them into this world) can’t find a way to work things out? Time heals all wounds and if you give each other enough time to handle the divorce, you should be able to handle working together and running the house like a business.
I’m in a similar situation and the economy and individual decisions have made this type of arrangement necessary. We unfortunately live in a society where many times one partner takes on the responsible role, and one takes the subservient role; however, both individuals want to rule the roost. Living in the same house together will most certainly bring about the same arguments which forced the divorce in the first place OR you will be giving up a piece of yourself to put up with behavior which you don’t believe in (especially when raising kids).
Easier said than done, but ‘try’ to keep your kids from repeating this mistake. Tell them about marriage and how picking a partner with similar attributes to themselves will work out better (I think). If you have one person making all the money and one person spending all the money…things will get ugly, regardless of how much you love each other. Marriage is a 50/50 contract, if you don’t want to share in the family, financial, workload, ect… at least 50%, the marriage ‘will not work’.
I’ve read and hear about a lot of spouses who want the house or want the 401K or want half the money which the other spouse worked for. I work from home, make the money and take care of the kids – the stay at home parent who does not have to put in 40 hour weeks sitting in a cubicle or does not have to spend 40 hours a week on their feet should thank the stars that in these pricey times that they have this option. I’ve worked with many professionals that went from stay at home parent to being in the corporate world…they would all take option one over 40 hour weeks at the office. If you want to be secure in your marriage, make sure you give it your all. If you don’t have a degree, a job, job skills or some other source of income, shame on you. To take from the spouse who did put in the time and effort is pure and simple thievery…and the person will treat you as such (don’t watch your kids fall into this same trap).
I will caveat my last message to make this more relevant to the subject being discussed. My feeling is that the current economy was brought upon us by individuals living beyond their means and wanting to have the house on the hill and the BMW in the garage. Now they have it, but the funds are running dry…that’s where individuals are forced to live together once they make the decision to split. I’ll make the broad statement here, that if we all went into life with the expectation that we would take sole care of ourselves, we would not be in this mess. Separation and divorce can be quite simple with two rational well equiped individuals. I know that ‘love’ has no rules and that opposites attract – but in today’s world, good luck with that. There is too much on the line and marriage can be the worst financial mistake of your life (so big that you can’t even leave after divorce).
One of the biggest issues in my opinion is that proximity to someone you loved in the past, will spark the same feelings. You will learn to joke with each other and become ‘comfortable’ again, leading to the same up and down relationhship that got you into the mess in the first place. I saw one post that stated you need to be a grown-up and mature in this situation….best of luck with that! If we as humans could force ourselves to be grown-up and mature, we wouldn’t be getting divorces ;]
Maybe the previous post applies to some people on here but in my case we NEVER had any big house on a hill or even new cars of any kind. I have always worked and paid my share of the house payments and other expenses. This is why I cannot support my myself. Even on 2 minimum wage jobs have you looked at rents lately?
If my husband and I have been living only as room mates for years leading up to this decision there is no reason to feel this will ever change to anything romantic. I will say as room mates we get along without fighting and yelling but it’s an empty sort of life and I look forward to finding a real love but in the meantime this is working. I’m sure everyone in these situations have differnt circumstances and stories. As to those posting who do not agree with this then why are you on here? Isn’t this a place for people with a common lifestyle to discuss their views?
I have been divorced since 2006.My ex-husband and I still live together at times it can be hard but I deal with it.Then at times he can be real inconsiderate .He makes comments like the house is big enough for a third party and he knows I don’t get down like that.Sometimes I think he saids these things so I will leave.We have no kids together but I have to from a previous marriage and they both love him. I wonder am I doing any mental damage to my kids because they both know that we are no longer married but we still share a house together. I know as long as we live together I can have no other relationships because I respect him and my kids I don’t wo’t to put my kids through this.
I’ve been divorced since June 2005 and my ex-wife and I continue to live together. We get along fairly well as roomates and do not fight as much as we did when we were married. We live in separate areas of the house and lead very separate and independant lives. However where we do come together to form a united front is with raising our two daughters. Both of us play very active roles in our childrens lives and living together makes it easier to rear them. Our initial reason for staying together was more complicated than just wanting to livce together for the kids. We were in the middle of a massive house renovation when we decided to get divorced. Realizing we could not sell it in the condition it was in to split ways, we decided we would stay living together until it was done. Because neither of us was ready to jump into any type of relationship after the divorce and the renovations were taking so long, it became very easy to live together. But, I will say the past year I have become very lonely and empty inside- my ex too. We have discussed and decided that after four of living together this is the year we will separate. Since we first divorced we were very open to our children about our situation. Letting them know not to confuse the roles of mom and dad with husband and wife. We have made it clear to them that we will always be there as their parents, but infortunately we could not make as husband and wife. My kids are now in their early teens and we have had open converations about me moving out this year. I am sure it will be a said day for all of us when I go, but if I could go back to 2005 I would have done everything the same all over again.
I am considering filing for divorce. We are renting out the marital home and have moved into a relative’s home. We are all in separate parts of the home. My husband and I have very little interaction. I have been physically abused by him in the past but not recently. The abuse now is emotional. My only concern is that in my state divorce grounds are only abandonment, physical cruelty, and adultery. I have already spoken to an attorney who says I can file as long as he agrees to say that we have been living separate and apart for a year.
How is child support handled when the divorced couple continue to reside in the same home?
Every judge has the discretion to make adjustments, but if I were the judge I would ignore the living arrangement and order child support as if the parents didn’t live together. Then they’re free to make any arrangement they wish to about sharing living expenses, and I don’t have to deal with them again just because they move apart.
So My wife of almost 6 years, told me 20 days before our 6 year anniversary that our marriage is over and that she was not meant to be married, that she still loves me and does not want to hurt me, just can’t be married… I am hurt.. however due to financial issue, debt, signing of a new lease 5 days prior to all this, nether one of us can afford to move out, due to high debt or keep the current home on our own. So the decision is to live under the same roof for the next 10 to 14 months and to explain to the 2 children what is going on. I still love her and I am in shock and I am having a hard time trying to imagine the next year living under the same roof, she has already moved on with new friends and possible a new man in her life and I am really torn up…
I’ll leave it up to you how long you can keep this up. My guess is that it’s going to be far easier for her than for you, because at this point she probably is able to see you as a platonic roommate. That may not work well for you.
Lee,
I think you are right.. she is way more calm and collected about all this, she has moved on emotionally at this point. I still not sure how I am going to handle it, I am still going through all the stages, so I at times I am rational and other times going out of my mind. Thanks for your feed back, it’s been a rough 4 days so far.
My situation is a little different than what I have read here. We have been married for 32 years and have 5 children together. Three are married and living on their own, and we have 2 teenagers at home. He has been a cheater for years and his most recient affair has been going on for a year now.
Neither of us want to be married to each other any more. He doesn’t want to leave the kids, and I don’t want to hurt them either. Financially we can not afford 2 homes.
I would like to propose to him a divorce and that he can live here if he wants to (I DON’T want to ‘fix’ our marriage, we have had seperate bedrooms for a while now) I think that our kids deserve to finish school in the house they have always lived. We get along fine and even take the kids on vacation together.
Any thoughts?
I think the arrangement you’re describing would work fine as long as both of you are content with it and not a moment longer. So whatever you and he agree to do, make sure either of you can decide to bail on the living together part without forcing a fundamental re-negotiation of your core terms.
Lee,
Thank you. I can’t tell you how many websites I had to go through before finding this one. I knew someone had to had good advice in favor for people who have to get a divorce but are not financially secure enough to divide up the house.
My situation is that we share a house that needs a good $10,000 worth of repairs. She (my name isn’t even on the house) bought it before we met and the seller was both desperate to get rid of it (he had to go to a nursing home) and she built in the above mentioned $10,000 in the sale. So the house isn’t really sellable without a new roof and a few remodeling projects first. At least it has two spare bedrooms. You were the first site I found that had advice for someone in our situation (which is clearly not so unique), so thank you. Keep up the good and sensible work.
So are you and she doing the work yourselves?
I asked my spouse for a Divorce but she is fighting it…I told her we can reside in the same house for financiall reasons but again she is fighting it….Her Hysterectomy many years ago pretty much destroyed my marriage-wish the doctor had advised us ahead of time….now the damage is done…the marriage is thru…..any suggestions?
I don’t understand what a hysterectomy has to do with a marriage or a divorce, but if your marriage needs to end and your wife won’t cooperate, you may have no choice but to file for a divorce without her cooperation. By waiting as you are for her to agree to your terms, you seem to be saying you’re not sure whether you want to divorce or to stay married.
well, my partner and i split after 6 years and 2 children. he said that he needed a change, something different. My life crumbled. After hours and hours and hours of talking we decided that we would look to buy a home that would allow us to live separately but together as a family. So we did, much to the angst of his family (deeply religious) and some friends. Almost a year later, we are doing great. The kids are so happy. The only difference in their life is that papa sleeps down stairs (a beautiful walk out lower level of a split level house) and mama sleeps upstairs. They know that we are no longer boyfriend and girl friend, but that we all still love each other. Neither of us has started to date yet, so i am sure we’ll have more ups and downs. Over all, for my family, i believe it is the best choice i could have made. For me, i think that it was a good choice. I made a commitment to myself that i was not going to date until the kids were much older, at least 10 years older(18 and 15). They don’t need the confusion of another male role model in their life. I am w/ the kids all the time so it’s impossible to have a relationship where the two were separate.
Over all- if you’re a person who thinks, then talks, then reacts, living together is doable and a great option
I am thinking of getting a divorce and suggesting to my husband that we still live together. We have two small children that we both love and I just could not imagine putting them through any other way than this. How do I bring this up in a way that he will listen to. He is a very stubborn person and will not take to this lightly.