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I've
Screwed Up. Now What?
So often in divorce
and separation, we realize that one or more of the actions we have taken
have made an already difficult situation worse. The mistake has already
been made -- perhaps blunder is a more descriptive term -- and now we need
to deal with it.
We'll first look
at how our nature leads us to deal with mistakes. And we'll think about
how we can respond in a more direct, positive, and fundamental way to our
own mistakes.
Our Natural Reaction
When I make a mistake,
my natural reaction is to avoid responsibility for it.
 | It
didn't happen. |
| If
it happened, it's not a problem. |
| If
it happened and it's a problem, I didn't do it. |
| If
it happened and it's a problem and I did it, it's not as bad as it looks. |
| If
it happened and it's a problem and I did it and it's bad, what else do
you expect from me when I'm so overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated? |
In short, I'll do
anything to avoid admitting that I made a mistake, that I am responsible
for harm done to others.
There's
a Better Way
In divorce and separation,
and in life in general, we can often deal more effectively with mistakes
by confronting them directly, acknowledging the harm we've caused, taking
corrective action, and asking for forgiveness.
Understanding
How it Happened
I cannot deal effectively
with a mistake I've made until I know what caused it. I need to ask lots
of questions, of both myself and others, until I'm confident I understand
all the following:
| Why
did I do this? What made me behave the way I did? |
| Is
there another person who steered me wrong? How? What did they say or do?
Why did I trust them? |
| Did
my organization contribute in any way to the mistake? |
| Did
my family and/or friends contribute in any way to the mistake? |
| Was
anything clouding my mind (like alcohol or other drugs, or some kind of
obsession)? |
As I go through this
process I must be brutally honest with
myself so I understand what happened. At the same time, however, and paradoxically,
I must be tenderly compassionate with
my own weakness. I may have to remind myself that I am a fundamentally
good person who made a mistake, not just a perennial screw-up who can't
be trusted.
The hardest part
about taking time to understand in the wake of my mistake is learning to
listen. I must listen quietly, intently, and openly. I must learn to embrace
silence. Often the statement that follows silence is the real
"ouch" that someone feels. I need to leave silence
alone! I need to let it work for me and not fill it up. I need
to just listen.
The best way I can
respond to criticism is to restate it to show the other person I really
heard it. This is me they're talking about, and I will have an almost irresistible
impulse to jump to my own defense. I must resist.
Only as I listen openly and non-defensively can I truly begin to understand
the mistake I have made.
Fix
What You Can
One of the quickest and most direct ways to deal with a
mistake I have made is to do what I can to fix it.
| Can
I put it back? |
| Can
I replace it? |
| Can
I repair it? |
| Can I pay for it? |
| If
I have said the wrong thing, can I clarify it? |
Apologize
- and Make It Count!
Nothing relieves the
pain caused by a mistake quite so effectively as a genuine and unconditional
apology. There is simply no way to state strongly enough what a difference
it can make in relationships, even marriages that are ending.
The problem with
most apologies is what I call "CPI." That is, they're too often Cheap,
Premature, and Incomplete. What do you hear from these apologies: "I'm
sorry if I hurt you." "Whatever it was that I did, I apologize."
?
Here are some simple
principles that I can apply to make an apology more meaningful. Fair warning,
though: just because the principles are simple doesn't make them easy to
apply. We're talking about what for most of us is fundamentally different
behavior, and changing behavior always feels awkward and uncomfortable
at first.
I also should point
out that I am borrowing liberally from the ideas of Ken Sande, the author
of The Peacemakers. Thanks, Ken, for all your good work in this
area.
| I
need to understand first, then apologize. I know how this works. But it's
devilishly difficult to do. Among other things, it may mean that I have
to slow down before apologizing, to make sure I really understand what
has happened and what part I played in it. |
| I
need to talk to everybody involved. It's not enough that I apologize
to the person I insulted. I need to apologize as well to the persons who
heard what I said, even if they heard it from someone else. See what we
mean about awkward and uncomfortable? |
| I
need to be specific. Now that I've taken the time to understand what I
did, I know what caused me to behave the way I did, and I know how the
things I said and did have hurt other people. I need to describe that so
it's clear that I understand my mistake. |
| I
need to apologize unambiguously. I need to say I'm sorry, and I need to
be careful not to qualify it at all. That's why "I'm sorry if I hurt you"
is so unsatisfying. We may mean it as "I don't know what I've done, but
I apologize." It's easy, however, to hear it as "I wish you weren't so
thin-skinned." |
| I
need to describe how my mistake has affected me. Remember, I can only do
this effectively when I've followed the first rule, which is to understand
first, then apologize. Once I understand what I did, I probably know what
the consequences are likely to be for me. I may realize, for example, that
someone I care about deeply has trouble trusting me now. If so, I need
to describe that as part of my apology. |
| I
need to describe the steps I'm taking to avoid similar mistakes in the
future. As I do so, I need to concentrate on actual behaviors that the
other person should be able to observe. And then I need to actually
do what I said I would. |
| I
need to affirm myself. I don't think I'm the kind of person who sets out
to hurt people, and I need to say so. I need to state in clear and explicit
terms that I think I'm a better person than this behavior would indicate.
I need to describe how I plan to demonstrate that over the days and weeks
ahead. |
| I need to ask for forgiveness. But I don't need to press for this quickly.
For reasons set out below, I may even need to ask the other person explicitly
not to forgive me too quickly so that forgiveness, when given, will be
complete. |
Real
Forgiveness
If the problem with
apologies is CPI -- that they're too often Cheap, Premature, and Incomplete,
what would you think would be the problem with most forgiveness? You're
right: just like apologies, forgiveness is too often Cheap, Premature,
and Incomplete.
True forgiveness
is about as difficult as it can be. It can't come until I can make and
keep these three promises:
| I
won't talk about this with other people. |
| I
won't bring it up with you. |
| I
won't think about it. |
These promises are
easy to make, and devilishly difficult to keep. That's why they don't need
to be rushed.
Does that mean we
should repeatedly forgive someone who repeatedly hurts us and earnestly
apologizes each time? Remember, I don't need to rush into forgiveness.
When I am truly ready to forgive, and I say so, I need to be prepared to
make and keep the three promises.
Learn
from the Mistake
Mistakes are wonderful
- if painful - teachers. They won't help us, though, if we can't learn
from them. I need to ask myself the following in the wake of my mistake:
| What
have I learned technically? To use a mundane example, did I learn that
if I don't turn the oven down the toast might burn? |
| What
have I learned about my organization? Every organization functions differently,
with different goals, different expectations, and different ways of seeing
facts. The more I understand about what makes my organization different
from others, the more effectively I can function in it and the more effectively
I can help it progress. |
| What
have I learned about people? This one's obvious. |
| What
have I learned about myself? Ditto. |
I may actually want
to write down what I've learned from my mistake. Doing so will help me
clarify in my mind what I need to do differently. It can also be powerful
to share that written list of what I have learned as part of the apology
process itself.
But
Won't I Give Away Too Much?
People going through
divorce are often fearful that their spouse or others may use against them
later what they say as part of a specific apology. Their fear is reasonable.
This is a judgment
call for you. You will have to weigh the certain benefit of a deliberate,
thoughtful, specific apology against the risk that it might come back to
haunt you later.
What is clear is
that most persons going through divorce overestimate the impact that their
own misconduct, or that of their spouse, will have on their divorce settlement.
If you're unsure of the impact in court of the information you're considering
sharing, visit with your attorney. Then you can make an informed decision. |
