I received this summary from a woman who struggled with aviolent man for several years. Allow me to call her Peggy.
This is my story in a short summation.
I am in my 50’s. I was widowed 7 years ago when I met Ted. I was still in grieving stages with my husband’s passing, and because I hadn’t “dated” in many, many years – I didn’t know what to watch out for.
He was charming, gave me compliments, flowers, cards and gifts. He said that “God had saved the best for last.” (Meaning me.) He was going through a divorce when I first met him. I asked him why he was getting divorced and he said that he came home at lunch one day and his wife told him that she was going to her Attorney and getting a divorce. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, “We just didn’t communicate anymore.”
She got him out of their house and it seems that is all he talked about. Revenge.
We got married a year after their divorce was final. Still he was a charming, very attentive man. Sexually, we were wonderful together.
After we were married about 5 months, the emotional abuse began. He didn’t want me to see my friends anymore. I was a Flight attendant and honestly I think he was jealous and very insecure. He told me to 1) quit my job 2) work for him at his company 3) not let my Granddaughters visit except every other weekend – and then, I still had to “ask his permission” 4) not go anywhere on the weekends (reserve them for him) 5) drop my friends – all of them
Going to a Baptist church, I wanted counseling. Two of the counselors at the church heard my stories above – and advised me to be more submissive to my husband. (I was already submitting to each and every thing.) That only made him worse because now he had the “church” backing up his actions.
One Christmas Day we had relatives on my side of the family come up from out of state. My daughter called to say that since she and her husband had the bigger house, why don’t we just all come over there for dinner? I asked my husband and he went ballistic. He was shouting something, and my daughter asked to speak to him. He grabbed the phone from my hand and started hitting me on my face and head with it. My daughter heard all of this going on in the background, and hung up and called 911. Ted also pushed me into the bedroom wall, and my right arm was hurt and bruised. The police got there and asked to see me. When they saw that I was bleeding and bruised, they arrested him for assault. He went to jail on Christmas Day! The next day his son made bail for him and he came home. He blamed me for his going to jail! He said that he did not hit me! (I have heard that is “crazy-making”.) He still to this day, says that he didn’t hit me, and he went to jail for nothing.
After that, I bent over backwards and jumped through hoops to make our marriage work. I held down a full time job, cleaned the house, did all the cooking (he didn’t know how to cook), bought all the groceries, washed and dried the clothes, put them away, vacuumed (he did no housework), and he would sit in his recliner and ask me to get him food or drink while he watched TV. I would be making dinner or doing chores. One of his forms of “punishment” was the silent treatment. Putting up the wall and acting like he was the victim. Another way to make me wonder what I had done wrong “this time”. This went on all the years of our short marriage. One day I was hemorrhaging before I had a hysterectomy done, and I lost a lot of blood. I passed out in the hallway only to wake up and see his body walking over mine. He didn’t even check to see if I was alive! That really scared me.
I later asked him why he didn’t help me, and he said, “You could have been faking it.” I said, “Why would I do that, Ted?” He said, “For attention.”
I had been saving some photos and memorabilia from my late husband, to give to my Granddaughters. He made me take them somewhere else. He said he did not want to know about my past, or to know the photos (or anything of my late husband) was in the house!
This man is Management at a Christian Television Station!
This last week, he had been sleeping upstairs in the spare bedroom. He had never done that before. He was quite distant, barely speaking to me. Finally, Friday night he told me that he had a “special friend” at work, and he thought it was best that I move out and he wanted a divorce. He said I could stay in the house if I could pay the rent, utilities and my bills. I couldn’t, so I moved to my girlfriend’s house. I took the things I had bought with my paychecks with me. I left him 1/2 of everything but all of the car tools and garage equipment.
He is threatening me, has locked me out of the house, put signs up in the yard with my name and SS# stating that I will be arrested if I come back in the house, asking neighbors to call the police if I shxxxxow up, and the police have told me that it won’t matter – until the divorce is final, it is just as much my house as his.
I am in no hurry to file for a divorce, he will do that. I did all I could to make this marriage work. There is no turning back for me. The emotional abuse is worse than the physical, because he could lie and turn it all back around on me! I know that this emotional problem that he has, will continue into the next relationship he has.
I hope my story helps someone. It was a real rollercoaster emotional nightmare. But when he wanted to be sweet, he was an angel. That’s what kept me hanging on. I thought it would get better and it didn’t.
Kind regards,
Peggy