Good Stuff About Divorce

Could there possibly be anything good about this whole dreary divorce business? Well, uh, yeah. Herewith,

  • You can eat onions and even garlic anytime you want.
  • No one griping about pulling over to ask directions when you’re lost.
  • You don’t have to be nice to your mother-in-law any more.
  • You can sleep on either side of the bed.
  • You can take hours to decide what to wear, just like when you were a teenager, and nobody will mind or call you crazy or indecisive or neurotic.
  • You don’t have to make up the bed.
  • I can have a cat. Or a dog. Or BOTH!
  • You can buy something nice for yourself, and no “guilt offering” for anybody else.
  • No more trying to get the “skid marks” out of his underwear.
  • No more arguing – “Chinese!” — “Pizza!” — “Chinese!” — “Pizza!”
  • No more having to sleep with the pillow over your head because of his snoring.
  • No more having to sleep with a fan on because of overwhelming smell of alcohol.
  • No more texts in the middle of the night from his “best friend.”
  • You can go to the movies any time you want, or you can just stay home and eat ice cream.
  • No more pee splashes around the toilet.
  • You can throw a divorce party.
  • No more arguing about Conan the Barbarian vs. Steel Magnolias.
  • I can display my Jon Bon Jovi pictures once again on my fridge.
  • I can buy as many pairs of shoes as I want.
  • You can change the goofy name of the cat.
  • No more feeling like a child being controlled by her father.
  • I don’t have to go around the house picking up his garbage anymore!
  • I can bounce on my indoor mini trampoline whenever I want. It sounds like a squeaky bed and I don’t have to deal with the conflicting complaints of ‘too much noise’ and ‘my God, did you eat all that ice cream’!!!
  • You can fall asleep on the couch with the TV on and not get yelled at to “Just go to bed!”
  • No more unanswerable “Do I look fat in this?” questions.
  • I can eat when I’M hungry, not when HE’S ready to have a meal.
  • No more listening to his three favorite words: “me,” “mine,” and “no.”
  • I can enjoy the companionship of all the wild animals I want to in my home, and they’re so much easier to clean up after than the X.
  • Nobody is telling you to come to bed when you don’t want to be in bed with them. It’s not like we were going to have sex!
  • No more feeling guilty when his plans don’t fit in with what I want to do.
  • No more apologizing for thinking of me and my needs before him and his needs.
  • I decide my daughter’s punishment when she eats chocolate cake for dinner.
  • My daughter decides my punishment when I eat vanilla ice cream for breakfast.
  • No more insults about my spirituality or how I choose to worship.
  • No more where have you been, where are you now, who are you with, and why aren’t you home yet.
  • Leave the lid down if you want to.
  • No more watching him pick his nose.
  • You don’t have to hide your Milano cookies any more.
  • I can sing out loud even if I’m off key.
  • Nobody glaring at you for being online for more than, say five hours.
  • KNOWING that if you left 2 cans of tuna in the shelf…they’ll still be there, by golly!
  • You don’t have to live the rest of your life having sex with your ex and no one else. You can do it whenever you want, with whomever you want, however you want, or not do it at all, and it’s nobody’s business but your own!
  • If you want cereal for supper, you eat cereal for supper.
  • I can get rid of all those items we had to keep out in case his family came by.
  • I can give those same items as gifts to the people I like the least.
  • I can walk through the house in my underwear and not be expected to want sex.
  • No more sleeping on the couch because the snoring is so loud.
  • You get to read the newspaper first, all in neat little sections.
  • No more put-downs! (nobody’s perfect)
  • I can eat Goo-Goo Clusters in any room in the house, not just in the bathroom.
  • I don’t need the plunger any more.
  • No more yelling because he’s going deaf and won’t admit it.
  • Nobody but you messes with the checking account.
  • Save money on anniversary cards.
  • No more humming during sex so he’ll think you’re moaning.
  • No more razor stubble in the sink.
  • If something breaks, I fix it. I don’t have to wait around for somebody else to decide that it’s broken.
  • Go ahead and hang your underwear on the lampshade.
  • No more “straightened” rooms- and all your things put in bizarre places where you’ll never find them.
  • Rearrange the furniture.
  • You can live more simply.
  • You can drink out of the milk carton with a clear conscience.
  • The knowledge that the statement : “Sorry, I am out with a friend right now, can I call you tomorrow?” will eat at his gut ’til it’s gone, regardless whether you are just at the grocery store alone or at a party with a zillion friends. He will know you have moved on and it will bug him to pieces!!
  • You can experiment with all those weird vegetarian recipes you’ve always been meaning to try.
  • No more weird changes on the computer.
  • You can upgrade to that 120-gig hard drive without adding anything to the Waterford crystal.
  • You can embrace loneliness.
  • You can use all the drawers. Yes, all of them.
  • Ditto the closet and the garage.
  • Plenty of hot water, and no wait for the shower.
  • You don’t have to listen to stupid music.
  • You can actually USE the grill instead of waiting for him to get up and cook something.
  • You can listen to all the stupid music you want to.
  • Sole custody of the TV remote.
  • Can flagrantly use potpourri, fragrances, flowers, and perfumes without dealing with those gagging noises coming from the depths of the recliner chair.
  • Sole custody of the recliner chair!
  • Nobody (including you) complains about the thermostat setting. You can keep the house as cold (or as warm) as you want.
  • His smelly-holey boxers are gone. Gone!
  • You can hang the Nerf basketball hoop on the door of the living room.
  • Nobody expects you to be thinking clearly, so you can flake out and get away with it.
  • Good time to get braces.
  • I can find somebody better!

I have to pull these out for special attention, because they came in within 48 hours of each other!

  • No more farts in bed.
  • I can fart in bed anytime I want to.

What else needs to be here? Please send me your suggestions, and (with appropriate editorial review) I’ll post them.

You may also get a kick out of Teri’s Top 10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Have Sex with My Ex.

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