Divorce Quotations

Everybody’s got their favorite. Send me yours.

  • “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor.
  • “It is well to be off with the old woman before you’re on with the new.” George Bernard Shaw.
  • “Marriage is about love; divorce is about money.” Unknown.
  • “I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” Lewis Grizzard.
  • “She cried — and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” Tommy Manville, divorced millionaire.
  • “We get sold the white picket fence and happy ever after. Nobody talks about the speed bumps.” Down Hearted on a message board.
  • One man talking to another man: “It was about as even a divorce settlement as you could hope for. Each lawyer got $50,000.” Cartoon in the Wall Street Journal.
  • “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams
  • “There are two sides to every divorce: yours and Shithead’s.” Unknown
  • “See the problem is that God has given men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Also Robin Williams
  • “Divorce is like a root canal: never wanted, sometimes needed.” Paraphrased from Elizabeth A. Griffith, webmaster of (now defunct) Divorce+.
  • “The healing doesn’t begin until the papers are signed.” Unnamed counselor. This is bunk, by the way. Your healing is like your divorce, as individual as a fingerprint. It could begin years before you separate, or it could not begin in earnest until well after the papers are signed.
  • “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal
  • “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.” Anonymous.
  • “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.” Anonymous.
  • “When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along.” P.J. O’Rourke.
  • “Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.” Anonymous.
  • “Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.” Mary Kay Blakely.
  • “A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.” Time 1961.
  • “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you.” Time 1973
  • “Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck — if you survive you start looking very carefully to the right and left.” Anonymous.
  • She got the gold mine. I got the shaft.” Country music song.
  • “Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” Paraphrasing a poem by Justin Thyme.
  • “The time I am most powerful and in control of my life is when I drive my car. Whatever lonely feelings I have from the lack of communication with my husband disappear in no time flat. When the windows and the top are open with my favorite jazz station on the radio playing, nothing and nobody can touch me. Then I go home to the same relentless battle. Life can be a pisser.” Boo-hoo, from an e-mail message
  • “The happiest time in any man’s life is just after the first divorce.” John Kenneth Galbraith.

I Will Survive (made popular by Gloria Gaynor)

Dino Fekaris & Freddie Perren

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you’re back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I’m not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I’m saving all my loving
for someone who’s loving me

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

Artist: Caviar Lyrics
Song: Goldmine Lyrics

I take a pill or two
To make me nice for you
Buzz me at 3 am
you feel inflicted, dirty
Its not called making out
if you are over thirty
she got the gold mine
I got the shaft

I’m 747
she’s anti-aircraft
she makes me insecure
but that should make her fear me more
she got the gold mine
but I’m fine
I am a waste of time
December valentine
she is a rich bitch
she calls me “macho man”
she speak in tiny words
but I don’t understand
she got the gold mine
I got the shaft

She Thomas Jefferson
I’m William Howard Taft
she makes me insecure
but that should make her fear me more
she got the gold mine
but I’m fine
(she got my headlights in her eyes)
she got the gold mine
I got the shaft

She is the Nobel Prize
I am a rough draft
she makes me insecure
but that should make her fear me more
she got the gold mine
but I’m fine
she got the gold mine
I got the shaft

I’m 747
she’s antiaircraft
she makes me insecure
but that should make her fear me more
she got the gold mine
but I’m fine
she got the gold mine
she got the gold mine

I Am… I Said

I’ve listened to this song for decades, but it took Peter in the UK to help me see how helpful it could be for people who are struggling with the aftermath of divorce. Here’s what Peter says it was like:

Divorce sucks – it really does. I once woke up during a dental operation many years ago and the pain was terrible, but that was as nothing compared to the pain of a divorce. I begged my spouse during the whole process to stop it and take out a contract on me and just put me out of misery with a single shot (or two), as it would be quicker and less painful. It sounds ridiculous but there it is – it’s just how it was.

Written by Neil Diamond, 1971 Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)
L.A.’s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is ‘lay back’
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin’ about
Making my way back

Well I’m New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I’m lost between two shores
L.A.’s fine, but it ain’t home
New York’s home, but it ain’t mine no more

“I am,” I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
“I am,” I cried
“I am,” said I
And I am lost, and I can’t even say why
Leavin’ me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein’ a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story’s the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I’ve tried, but it won’t let me go
And I’m not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

“I am,” I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
“I am,” I cried
“I am,” said I
And I am lost, and I can’t even say why
Leavin’ me lonely still

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